That celebrated international festival of anti-talent, the Eurovision Song Contest gets under way in Helsinki this Saturday amid the usual controversies and scandal that make it one of the most shambolic, manufactured and tedious events ever to be staged. And that's before the performers start crooning...
At the forefront of this year's chaos are UK entrants, Scooch, who have been dumped out of the competition on a technical ruling.
The foursome, although "completely plastered", were found at the pre-contest party to be "not involved in a sex orgy" with other competitors, an obvious breach of Eurovision rules. These stipulate that competitors must "indulge in drunken debauchery in the European Way", a clear instruction if ever there was one.
As the group made its way to the airport last night, Caroline Barnes, who has a commendable pair of breasts, said:
"We just didn't fit in. Our song could have done well, but our disinclination to perform erotic and degrading sexual acts with French people ultimately landed us with the 'non-European stiffs' label."
Sir Elton John, the famous homo, has volunteered to step into the breach, and will perform a funked-up Eurobeat House style reworking of his tired Candle In The Wind/Goodbye England's Rose ditty.
Gerry Wotan will, yet again, compere the show at 8.00pm on BBC1.