The casting of Broadway production of Shrek was turning into a celebrity catfight today as scores of ugly celebrities and their pukeworthy sidekicks bitch-slapped each other for a chance at the two lead roles on offer.
First into the fray for the coveted roles of Shrek and his Donkey were Jade Goody and racist sidekick Danielle Lloyd who claimed that their production company had done a deal based on the pair needing absolutely no make-up during the run of the play.
Shrek-lookalike Goody was furious when Wayne Rooney turned up closely followed by Colleen McCullough. Rooney headed in with a vicious tackle when Goody booted him with a chair after producers offered her the lesser role of Shrek's wife on seeing Rooney framed in the doorway.
"We have our Shrek" sighed producer Andrew Lloyd Webber, gazing at Rooney's hideously irregular features. However, he soon started to change his mind as bitch-slapped Goody's bruised face began to swell under Rooney's onslaught.
Meanwhile fellow liverpudlians, Colleen and Danielle rolled on the floor tearing each others hair out in a scrap for the role of the sidekick Donkey.
Ten minutes into the fight though, Hollywood celebrities, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes walked into the room,Cruise clearly reeling at his spectacular tumble from the " worlds sexiest men" list. Lloyd Webber commented " I actually thought Tom had brought a real donkey, then I realised it was Katie following him, I was most impressed."
However, it looks like the final casting has been decided. In a controversial move by the plays producers Andrew Lloyd Webber himself has bagged the role of Shrek with wise-cracking Graham Norton grabbing the donkey role by default. Lloyd Webber commented, " I was combing my hair in the mirror and the solution just came to me."
Graham quipped, " Any jokes about donkey-dicks will fall flat on their ass."