Pronouns, JK Rowling, and Gen Y – Not Silent, But Deadly!

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Monday, 25 July 2022

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Answer Zee Questions! Schnell! Gesundheit!

I put on my Hercule Poirot hat and did some investigating. I wanted to know where these pronouns came from.

(Yes, I know, they came from the gradual evolution of the English language. Or language in general. When the first cave man and cave women finally figured out the concept of “I” when they pointed at themselves, then found the concept of “You” when they pointed at each other.)

But as far as could figure out, they came from the Millennials, otherwise known as Generation Y. Why not?

Something scares me: if Gen Y is so insistent – if not downright demanding – everyone use these pronouns (a bank in Nova Scotia, Canada, now has pronouns on the name badges of its employees. They have lost some customers), then what else will they insist upon when they grow up and start leading countries?

Myth: No one likes to be inserted into a category.

Bullshit: everyone likes their self-categorization, they just don’t like it when “Da Man” does it to them. Got a driver’s license? Your various categories are on it: height, weight, eye color, address, wanna donate a liver when you die?

More categories: schools attended, grades, what schools (any Ivy League?), what teachers, were they famous, are you a protégée of theirs? What’s your grade point average? What music, books, TV shows, movies do you like?

Have you ever liked something no one else likes? (You evil son-of-a-bitch/bastard – gotta be inclusive.)

How about jobs? Sign here, here’s your union card, are you certified in WHMIS and MSDS, how about first aid and CPR?

Got any diseases? Ever had one? You a smoker? Who did you vote for, where did your parents come from, what country do you originally hail from, how many languages do you speak, any off-shore bank accounts we should know about?

It goes on.

But where did the Millennials learn about categories before they learned to drive or make fake IDs?

AND THEN IT HIT!

Poirot to the rescue. (If you’re a Millennial, you probably don’t know what I’m talking about. Good. I don’t know what you’re talking about either. We’re equal. But you don’t like that – you need to be superior, dontcha?)

J.K. Rowling and her Harry Potter is responsible, ironically.

Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

These four houses are to blame: they taught the entire generation to LOVE putting themselves willingly into categories. From Harry, they have sorted themselves into various ways, and are still at it. They’ve discovered a new gender! Not bad for people learning to read at the beginning of this century. And the irony of course that their goddess and hero, JK, HAS BETRAYED THEM! Their entire childhoods down the drain! All those Halloweens dressing up in British school uniforms, trying to look like Angus Young! (look him up … sigh … what DO you know?)

I don’t care what you classify yourselves as – let me make that clear, since Gen Y also likes to attack via social media anything that is the slightest different to themselves. Just like left-wing Nazis! That’s right … even the left can hate, who knew?

To all other generations: be afraid, very afraid, of these Gen Ys when they lead corporations or countries. They will INSIST on knowing your Hogwart House. And if you don’t have one or don’t know or fucking care about Harry Potter – cuz it’s still a fucking kid’s book, nothing greater than that, sorry (Dr Seuss was better, but that’s MY generation talking … I’ll shut up now) … when you don’t jump through someone’s hoops, they will condemn you, cancel you, turn you into a new category: Pariah.

Thanks, Gen Y. You’re becoming worse than your parents and grandparents. One day, you too will have kids …and if you’re not careful, they’ll grow up to be just like you.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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