Jackie Chan's Rush Hour 4 Stalled

Funny story written by Kilroy

Monday, 18 January 2021

image for Jackie Chan's Rush Hour 4 Stalled
" I think I nailed that audition, Yo!"

While promoting their newest film Rush Hour 4 in New York City yesterday, Jackie Chan apparently became enraged at Chris Tucker’s self-promotion as the “star” of the franchise and strangled him to death in front of hundreds of shocked on-lookers.

The former Mr. Nice Guy allegedly mocked Tucker with, “Can you understand the words NOT coming out of your mouth?” Chan refused to let go of Tucker’s throat, deftly fending off people rushing the stage with skilled kicks and even using Tucker’s hard head as an impromptu weapon.

After dropping the apparently lifeless body to the ground, Chan did a back flip, scaled a 15-foot wall, swung from a rope to a third story balcony, shimmied across a cable and dropped onto the roof of a passing semi-truck, making good his escape. Entertainment reporters, thinking the entire incident was a scene from the up-coming movie, applauded wildly.

Tucker, meanwhile, was rushed to a nearby medical facility where he was pronounced dead. Ironically, Tucker then resumed his renown rapid-fire, repetitive rambling. “That’s the weirdest damned thing I’ve ever seen,” said one physician. “Even with no apparent brain-activity, his mouth just keeps on talking.”

Chris "Friday" Tucker was considered a comedic genius with Oscar worthy performances in Fifth Element and House Party 3. The elusive icon of understatement has been in only a handful of movies in the last decade, unlike the ubiquitous Samuel L. Jackson who HASN’T been in only a handful. “The world will sorely miss his great talent,” said Rush Hour director Brett Ratner.

The staccato tongued star had fallen on hard times last decade. Tucker bought a 10,000-square-foot waterfront home on Lake Apopka at the height of the real estate boom just as Rush Hour 3 was opening in 2007. But, he became indebted more than $4.4 million and was once in foreclosure. ”I think he was planning on working up until Rush Hour 8 and then retiring,” said a close friend of Tucker’s who declined to be identified because he still owes Tucker money.

Signs of continued money problems began to surface a few months ago when Tucker was spotted hustling cars at exit ramps with a sign reading, “Will Talk for Food” and "Coming Soon: Rush Hour 4!" Despite repeated denials from co-star Jackie Chan regarding a sequel and hell freezing over, Tucker continues to beat that former prize winning horse which apparently died during the filming of "Rush Hour 3".

Persistent rumors about about a deal to make five more Rush Hour films to put Tucker back on top financially apparently came to a head last week when Jackie Chan flew all the way from Hong Kong to tell Tucker personally, "Hell no!" But Chan's lack of mastery in contextual English, particularly in the area of contracts, resulted in Chan inadvertently agreeing to do five more films. That's when the fight started.

Rush Hour 3 was originally supposed to be the last in the series.

Rush Hour 2 was released in 2001 and grossed more than $345 million worldwide. So we figured doing a 4th installment would make, like, a gazillion dollars in this creatively bankrupt entertainment market,” said Robert Baron, CFO of Soylent Films LLC and avid Chris Tucker fan.

Despite Chan's adamant refusal to share the camera with Tucker's mouth ever again, people had been working behind the scenes on a plan to do more Rush Hour films without him. It was when they announced that Jackie Chan was to be written out of any sequels and replaced by Owen Wilson in Asian make-up that the troubles truly began.

A drunken Chan allegedly showed up at a meeting between Wilson, Tucker and executive producers trying to Shanghai his character and threatened to kick the crap out of everybody, with comedic flare. After a moment of silence, Owens proclaimed, “Well screw that!” and everyone present reluctantly agreed; but an ugly uneasiness between Tucker and Chan couldn’t be ignored.

"Chris, is that you?" Chan slurred before being led away by security. " I thought it was Jimmy Walker. Damn, you've really let yourself go!" he laughed.

Jackie Chan had reportedly become distraught over his own mediocre movie career and envious of Tucker’s stellar success. Once an acclaimed stuntman in Hong Kong who began his career in Bruce Lee movies, Chan’s first U.S. movie, Battle Creek Brawl, was cold-cocked at the box office; he recovered with bit parts in the highly successful Cannonball Run movies but then starred in a U.S. film called, The Protector…which flopped.

Chan took the idea behind The Protector and made a little known film out of it called Police Story. But besides eye-catching stunts, innovative action and genuine comedic timing, Chan brought little else to cinema with his combination of kung-fu and humor. He continued to languish in unremarkable films such as Snake in Eagle’s Shadow and the forgettable Drunken Master until he lucked into a once-in-a-lifetime role in Rush Hour.

“We were initially looking to cast the highly talented David Carradine,” said Ratner “But Carradine was hung up with previous commitments in Thailand, so we threw this little-known Chan fellow an opportunity. We figured Tucker would bring his vast fanbase to the film, and maybe Chan might get a little recognition for a change. We didn’t expect him to start a rumble in the Bronx! Chan could do 100 films and he’d still never be on par with Chris,” added Ratner. “He’d be lucky to do juice commercials.”

Chan was last seen eluding police down a New Jersey turnpike at high speed on a motorcycle. During the pursuit, Chan reportedly jumped his bike over a drawbridge, cleared a helicopter and landed the cycle on a gravel lane, laid it down and slid under a horse-drawn carriage, narrowly missing an oncoming bus before slamming headfirst into a guardrail.

Waving that he was OK, Chan got to his feet, high-jacked a sports car and escaped down a drainage canal at high speed. According to one State Trooper, “We are not impressed.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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