Written by Dave Henry

Sunday, 3 February 2019

image for Man Excited for Super Bowl Ads He’ll Grow to Hate

The Super Bowl is today, and millions of people will be tuned-in to see the debut of ads that they will grow to hate for the rest of the year.

“Last year, I remember being giddy with excitement when I saw that Bud Knight commercial, but now, when I see the Bud Knight commercials, I want to thrust a lance through its face,” said one consumer.

But he said he’s looking forward to watching the debut of new commercials that he will soon grow to despise.

“Like that Verizon guy from that show; what kind of setting will he be in awkwardly telling people how great Verizon is?”

“Or those Progressive people; they have a whole cast of characters now, not just Flo. What hijinks will they get up to?” he wondered.

He also wondered how many commercials he’ll see selling insurance. Every other commercial, it seems, is about insurance. Doesn’t everyone have insurance by now? And is it really worth the hassle of changing to save $15 per year?

The man admits that the number 1 thing he looks for when buying insurance is, 'does the company selling insurance have funny marketing campaigns?'.

“Funny is very important to me when I buy insurance. If you don’t make me laugh, I’m not buying your insurance,” he said. “I mean, what is insurance anyway? It’s really nothing. It’s an inanimate object that’s basically protection money. They shake you down like they are in the mob. You pay us this much every month, and we will take care of you. That’s their business model. But if they find out you’re doing something that’s losing them money, they will stop offering protection money for that particular thing. It's all very hard to grasp, so just hit me with the funny.”

He’s also looking forward to the serious ads that make him think about social issues and stuff.

“I don’t think very often during the course of a normal year, so this is a great opportunity for me to think about something, and maybe learn something that a large multi-billion-dollar corporation wants me to think about under the guise of selling me products.”

“I also can’t wait until halftime, to see my favorite band sing short unsatisfying snippets of my favorite songs!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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