Anthony Bourdain Accidentally Eats A 'National Treasure'

Funny story written by Dante Liberatore

Tuesday, 10 October 2017


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Ling Pao

Anthony Bourdain, the star of CNN's "Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown" was criticized by the Chinese Government yesterday for accidentally hunting down and eating Ling Pao, China's most celebrated panda.

"Well ​first off, I was really drunk," Mr. Bourdain said while doing shots of tequila to rid himself of a morning hangover. "And all I remember is I was hunting for a Full Belly Chinese Mountain Pig, a rare delicacy here in the Shandong Province of China, and I ended up killing some famous panda instead..

"And it really wasn't my fault," the celebrity chef added, .."because the Full Belly Chinese Mountain Pig looks exactly like a small panda. But by the end of the day," Mr. Bourdain concluded before dunking his head into a bucket of ice water, "I had absolutely no intention of harming Ling Pao."

But harm Ling Pao he did, by shooting him right between the eyes with a rifle while the panda was foraging bamboo at the Jinan Zoo.

"But at least Ling Pao didn't die in vain," Mr. Bourdain said later that day while making a Bonobo stew for lunch. ",,because he was succulently grilled and spiced over an open-pit fire, where its preparation wasn't a craft, but rather a calling, or better yet, a struggle for the soul of Pandonian cuisine. And after taking a bite of the masterpiece before me, the tantalizing panda became delectably emblematic for "the good life", or more appropriately, Nirvana on a plate that happily transported me into the savory avant-garde. And by the way," Mr. Bourdain added while topping off his Bonobo stew with Indian Elephant Flakes, "I know I'm sounding like I do on "Parts Unknown", but I just figured that charismatically explaining how great my 'Panda a la Bourdain' tasted might make panda meat a regular staple of the Chinese diet."

Mr. Bourdain's offensive description of how China's beloved Ling Pao was prepared for dinner and eaten, along with him suggesting that panda meat should be incorporated into the Chinese diet only further infuriated the Chinese, sending millions of them protesting onto the streets.

"Anthony Bourdain is a carnivorous pig for eating our precious Ling Pao!", said Ling Xiang, a demonstrator outside of Mr. Bourdain's hotel. "And he'd probably eat his own mother if she was correctly seasoned. Therefore," she added, "the Chinese people want revenge, and we now call upon our great leader, President Xi Jinping, to administer swift justice against Anthony Bourdain for eating our national treasure!"

One hour later, President Xi Jinping delivered that speedy punishment by sentencing Mr. Bourdain to 72 hours at a vegan retreat 90 miles south of Shanghai.

"It is a fit punishment for an out of control meat-eater who had little regard for the national importance of Ling Pao," Mr. Jinping stated during a nationally televised broadcast. "And we can only hope that this penalty will allow the soul of our dearest Ling Pao to find eternal peace in panda heaven."

Mr. Bourdain did not take his punishment for hunting and eating Ling Pao well.

"Jesus Christ! Three days without meat?!," he cried out while enjoying a pulled rhino sandwich at a local eatery. "I would've been better off if the Chinese Government sentenced me to life at one of their brutal prison camps!"

A moment later, while hungrily eyeing a Sumatran Tiger that strayed into his view, Mr. Bourdain, while quickly leaving the restaurant, added "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get me some while the getting is still good."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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