Bob Dylan's Nobel Due to "Wiggle Wiggle"

Written by Brett Taylor

Sunday, 27 November 2016

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Not the Nobel, but it's all We've got

Details have emerged about Bob Dylan's winning of the Nobel Prize for Literature, an event which sent shock waves thru the literary world.

Per Wastberg, head of the Nobel Committee for Literature, has explained the reasons for the selection. "Mainly," he says, "it was because of the song 'Wiggle Wiggle.' That's a hell of a song. You've got to be impressed by such Lyrics as "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, like a ton of lead/Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you can raise the dead" and 'Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, like a swarm of bees/Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, on your hands and knees.' Such poetry! Such eroticism!"

Writer Anders Olsson, also on the Committee, agrees: "'Wiggle Wiggle' is surely Dylan's greatest song. A lot of his more famous songs are actually shit. 'Like A Rolling Stone' is overlong and boring. And 'Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands'--also a piece of shit. But 'Wiggle Wiggle,' now that's songwriting. Also on the same album is 'Handy Dandy." That's another great one. I forget exactly how it goes 'Handy Dandy/He sure is handy/La la la la la.' Something like that. And 'Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum,' a great commentary on the tensions between Palestine and Israel. I also like Dylan's theme from 'Band of the Hand,' the classic crime film. 'Hell Time Baby' or whatever it was called. That's an underrated song."

Kenyan writer Ngugi wa Thiong'o, who was on the shortlist of nominees for this prize, admits disappointment, saying, "Sure, it was a letdown. I really wanted to win. But, let's face it, Modern Literature is shit. I mean if me and Joyce Carol Oates are the best we can do. I mean, Tolstoy and Emily Bronte we ain't. But I'm glad Dylan won. The guy's awesome. You know what's an awesome album? 'Knocked Out Loaded.' I know it was a flop, and the cover was one of his worst, my kid could have done better, and he's in the Third Grade. But it's a collaboration with Tom Petty, so it's bound to worth a second listen. Smoke a doobie when you listen to it, you might be surprised, it's better than you expect."

Writer Horace Engdahl, also on the Nobel Committee, enthusiastically adds, "That Thiong'o dude is right on the mark. And you know what other album is really heavy? That you wouldn't think was all that good? That Pink Floyd album, 'Atom Heart Mother.' I know it's not as popular as 'Dark Side of the Moon,' or 'The Wall,' but it's still got some good head music. Like, people make fun of it because it's got a cow on the cover. It's kind of a goofy cover. If you're high you'll start laughing at it and you won't be able to stop. But put the album on and it'll blow your mind. You know who else was far out? The Strawberry Album Clock. I know they weren't as deep as Pink Floyd, or, you know, Dylan, but thery're still underrated."

Rumor has it that Bob Seger and Alice Cooper are likely candidates for next year's Nobel.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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