New York - A Manhattan DNA testing lab is in lockdown this weekend amid confirmation that the Canadian singer's birth father is the septuagenarian Italian renegade Silvio Berlusconi.
And that his mother is Kate Middleton'- the UK's gold-digging wannabe-queen and certifiable bigamist.
The sordid clandestine arrangement has been probed with a series of surreptitious tests showing Saudi riyal - er...British royal! - broodmare-in-waiting Kate spawned her sprog in a San Gimignano palazzo nine months after a Berlusconi bunga-bunga party for under age trolls.
Private investigators trailing the connection reckon she was paid off handsomely in a series of shady money laundering transactions brokered by ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair.
His former lawyer the disgraced David Mills has testified he 'turned some pretty terrible corners' while acting for Berlusconi and Blair for which he was paid handsomely.
Including the stellar promotion of Mills' wife Tessa who Blair promoted to the post of culture Secretary despite a blatant lack of ability and even less talent.
Speaking under cover of anonymity to iconic celebwatch site LA FagHagSlagMag.con one of the sleuths revealed more about the sordid cover-up today:
"Far from being Prince William's blushing 30 year-old bride this dreadful woman Kate is Cherie Blair's 34 year-old daughter," Laguna Beach private detective Russell D Trench commented, "spawned in a sordid dalliance with and an Italian gansta in debt to Berlusconi."
Part of the arrangement saw daft Kate married off as soon as she turned 16 to the now UK Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne.
Predictably enough the union proved disastrous and Kate walked away 'without being inconvenienced with divorce proceedings' before marrying William in a lavish London ceremony that set back UK cops 'more than 20 million squid' in event policing.
Her paternal half brother is Prince Harry, the spawn of a porky-faced London 'wise woman' who succumbed to the gangsta's charms during a psychotic episode.
Another half-sibling is Samantha Cameron, sired by the same Mafioso poodle of the P2 Lodge.
Speaking to reporters at lunchtime today the editor of the LA website refused to speculate on possible outcomes for this seedy bunch of bollocks.
"Poor Justin, named after a withdrawal method of contraception where the last sperm was - literally - just-in, heheh," Trudy Golombek chuckled to herself.
"Wanna see pics of Justin's grand christening with Pope JP2-Lodge presiding?
"Nah, me neither, my stomach's too sore from all the retching."
David Cameron is 69.
