Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 29 January 2012

image for If Zombies Get Much Faster We'll All Be In Big Trouble
Andrea McLennan Out Of Loose Women Would Make A Scary Zombie

It seems that the days when your average zombie was a shuffling, gormless, brain eating moron, with a turn of pace like a pub football team's centre half are long gone.

Zombies are speeding up, according to ZombieWatch UK, the government funded quango tasked with keeping up with zombie behavioural trends.

It seems that the modern day zombie moves about like a hyperactive, drug addled nine year old on crystal meth, and that they're getting smarter every day.

Not only that, but they bite harder, and they're much craftier than their predecessors.

Scientists claim that the zombies are evolving at an alarming rate, and that they're becoming much harder to kill. Officials have expressed concerns that if the zombies continue to evolve at the current rate, within a single generation they'll become faster and smarter than ordinary humans, and will probably take over the world as the dominant species, leaving humanity, as we know it, extinct.

"Gone are the days of the lumbering, idiotic zombie," Simon Frost, of ZombieWatch UK told the press. "The kind of zombie you saw in Shaun Of The Dead and Dawn Of The Dead, and that Thriller video - they're a thing of the past. Your modern zombie is a lot shrewder than that, cunning, like a fox, and they move and strike with lightning speed. And they have the strength of ten men. You'd be hard pressed to lump a modern day zombie on the head with a garden spade. He'd eat you for breakfast. The worrying thing is, that if they continue to evolve and adapt at this rate, we'll all be in big trouble, because they'll wipe us out. Which would effectively mean the end of them too, as they'd no longer have a food source, but they tend to live in the moment, and don't go a great deal on forward planning. It won't be long before people will have to walk about with elephant guns in order to do away with marauding zombies. I reckon there may be a whole lot of trouble ahead."

Which is all quite alarming when you think about it.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Zombies

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