Barbara Walters Says That She Is Retiring Because of Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 17 December 2011


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Barbara Walters Says That She Is Retiring Because of Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck
A photo of the dog that Hugh Hefner gave to Barbara Walters and which she named "Playboy."

HOLLYWOOD - Barbara Walters at the age of 82, is the undisputed Queen of News Reporting. She was one of the first women to ever appear on national television doing news shows with the likes of noted newsmen such as Hugh Down, Frank McGee, Harry Reasoner, and Chang Tu.

In one of her books titled Keeping My Raging Female Hormones In Check, she wrote that at first she was not liked by the male reporters simply because she, unlike them, did not possess a pecker (wiener).

She said that one unnamed highly respected man even suggested that she wear men's suits and cut her hair. Another male colleague told her that she needed to try and make her voice sound less womanly. And yet another insisted that she should really see about getting and taking some male hormones to grow some facial hair.

Walters says that now she laughs about it - but back then it kind of hurt her feelings, especially the part about cutting her hair.

But she said she persisted and little by little the guys began to accept her.

And as she wrote in her book The Obvious Lack Of A Pants Bulge the fact that she would give her co-workers a check for $2,000 on their birthdays had absolutely nothing to do with them accepting her.

Walters says that in her 50 year career she has interviewed pretty much every famous person on the face of the Earth and that includes countless presidents, kings, queens, generals, sports figures, politicians, movie stars, TV stars, singers, comedians, and even recent X-Factor cast-off 13-year-old Rachel Crow.

Barbara mentioned in her most recent book Please Stop Asking Me When I'm Going To Retire - I'll Retire When I Friggin Get Good and Effen Ready Okay? that if and when she retires she may decide to do Dancing With The Stars, but only if she can get paired with "The Bad Boy of The Ballroom" Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

When Ling Chow Rangoon of iRumors asked her what it was that finally made her decide to retire, she smiled and replied "Five words - Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck."

Rangoon asked her to explain. Walters rolled her eyes, and nodded her head and remarked that she just finally got fed up with Whoopi and Elisabeth always going at each others throats like cats and dogs.

She said that she does not get paid the big bucks to sit there and act like a playground school monitor. She noted that Whoopi and Elisabeth both just have way too much pent up hostility.

Walters said that the final straw came when Whoopi said that Herman Cain was nothing but an uppity Uncle Tom and Elisabeth jumped up, ran to her, and got in her face yelling out, "How dare you call that black man an Uncle Tom when you yourself are a black person have you no sense of pride in being an African-American or are you only interested in the color green for money?"

Whoopi responded by saying, "Look here you Ann Coulter looking goofy GOP honky bitch, I'll have you know that I have given more money to black people than you have black hair roots on your jive-ass cracker head you 2 percent milk looking twat."

Hasselbeck started to say something and Walters quickly jumped in, "Okay, okay that's it. Enough. I have had just about enough out of you two bitches and I mean it. You two are an embarrassment to women everywhere who wear dreadlocks like you Goldberg and silly ass curls like you Hasselbeck."

Whoopi and Elisabeth stared in disbelief. Joy Behar started to say something and Walters hollered out, "And you Behar, shut the eff up skank, I am fed up with your stupid accent."

Walters shot Sherri Shepherd an evil glance and Shepherd remarked. "Hey, Miss Barbara, I ain't be saying shit ma'am no way, no how, fo sho from my fa shizzle down to ma pubic nizzle pizzle, uh huh."

"You're damn right you ain't be saying shit so shut the shit up Shepherd!" Walters screamed out in her Yiddish accent.

And with that Barbara Walters looked into the camera and said, "And we'll be right back after these few words from our sponsors."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more