Nell Gwyn's tits in first public airing for 350 years

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

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London - The old adage about a nude portrait's nipples 'following you around the room' was sorely tested today with the unveiling of a 17th century painting of Charles II's favorite trollop.

Nell Gwyn's stonking 32FF knockers had lain dormant for some 350 years following a Victorian Ornithological Society cover-up that daubed endless layers of rubbish over the courtesan's pert, pearly-pink tits.

The portrait had National Gallery curators' eyes watering as Gwyn's breasts suddenly popped out from beneath the oils during a two year restoration.

"No saggy-titted old crone, she," Gallery director Sir Gainsborough Pollox-Da Vinci commented as the de-bowdlerised painting was at last exhibited at a press launch this morning.

Gwyn famously fought off many detractors, critical of her ministerings to King Charles' needs, with witty ripostes blaming rival tart the Duchess of Portsmouth for lowlife cronyship of Popish nutz.

During the riots of 1681 in Oxford some massive verbal abuse Gwyn was hurled at Gwyn claiming she was 'just a cheap Catholic tart'.

"Good people," the comely actress sweetly replied, "you are mistaken, I am after all the Protestant whore!"

Her rival, the French Catholic tramp Louise de Kérouaille, was upped by the King to become Duchess of Portsmouth - despite being deemed too lard-arsed even by 17th century standards to have Sir Joshua Reynolds immortalise her pimply arse in oils. (Bollox! - ED)

The new exhibit is open until March.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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