H&R Block Escapees Hold "Got The F--k Out Of Dodge In Time" Reunion In Kansas City.

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 24 January 2011

image for H&R Block Escapees Hold "Got The F--k Out Of Dodge In Time" Reunion In Kansas City.

For Thomas Bloch, the son of the co-founder of once-ethical tax preparation juggernaut H&R Block, Henry, leaving the company that kinda has his family's name.*

"My father Henry Bloch, who will turn 178 this month, has witnessed the company suffer a number of setbacks that could have likely been avoided or minimized," Bloch said in a letter for anyone who gave a sh-t. "He has watched our customer base contract by a staggering amount -- a loss approaching two million customers in the last two years."

However, Thomas will be organizing a company-oriented soiree, of sorts, when he hosts the first annual "Thank God We Got The F--k Out Of Dodge In Time," for H&R Block alumni who managed to escape before the entire company collapsed onto itself.

"It was like escaping a burning building, just before the roof collapsed," said former Senior Vice President and Chief Financial Officer Becky Shulman, who got the f--k out of Dodge, effective April 30, 2010. Corporate Controller Jeff Brown was named her replacement as CFO, so that the abject failure of tax season 2011 --which is inevitable-- is all his fault.

"I heard that," agreed former CEOs Mark Ernst and Russ Smyth; the former who lost a billion of Block's dollars that he 'invested' (read: pissed away) in sub-prime mortgages, the latter who stuck around for, like, 15 months before taking a job as head fry chef in a Chicago-area McDonalds. "A chimp with an iPhone could've done less damage then we did."

"You guys got it easy," said former H&R Block general counsel Brian "The Scapegoat" Woram, who quit July 2 for a 'new leadership opportunity.' "I'm still attorney of record in about a zillion lawsuits. I began to think my last name was 'Attorney for Defendant H&R Block, Inc."

The party will be held at the 19,000-seat Sprint Center, a large, multi-use indoor arena in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, the only venue large enough for all the Block escapees willing to attend.

* Bloch named the company H&R Block, rather than Bloch, because, "Americans --'those' kind, specifically, if you know what I mean-- won't understand that there is a good, Germanic name that can also sound like 'Block'," allegedly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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