H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 24 January 2011

image for H&R Block Loses Exclusive Contract With Wal*Mart To Jackson Hewitt: "Hey, we still have Sears. There's still some of them open, right?"

H&R Block, the tax preparation company who has taken it in the proverbial rear this tax season --after losing refund anticipation loans, their sole source of income-- they now find out that Jackson Hewitt will be the exclusive provider of tax services to Wal*Mart.

"Those Wal*Mart customers, they are our clients," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, whose resume on The Ladders has received tens of views in the last six months. "The down-trodden are the people most likely to fall for one of our predatory-lending-rated Refund Anticipation Loans... if I didn't screw up and lose the financing for them."

"WHOOO HOOOO!" screamed Jackson Hewitt's new CEO Philip H. Sanford, who replaced former Jackson Hewitt (and former H&R Block) CEO Harry W. Buckley in January, during a teleconference with investors. "We have exclusive rights to Wal*Mart and we're the only refund anticipation loan game in town, and this is why I am currently doing the backstroke through a big f--king pile of money! YAYYYY!"

"While this is a significant setback," said Bennett, while packing all the sh-t in his office in banker's boxes, "Hey, we still have exclusive rights to sling taxes at Sears."

"There's still some of them open, right?"

Sears currently has 726 full-sized stores (versus Wal*Mart's 8,511), mostly in long-dead shopping malls, in which they have developed, sold and systematically destroyed the following brand names: Allstate, Celestial Star, Cheryl Tiegs Clothing, Coldspot Appliances, Conqueror Records, Covington, Craftsman Professional, Dashmate, David Bradley, Dean Witter Reynolds, Diehard, Discover, Dunlap tools, Easy Living, Evolv, Goolagong clothing for lesbians, Harmony House, Hercules Life Insurance Company, Homart, J. C. Higgins, Kenmore, Kromedge, Penske, Permanex, Roebucks Clothing, Sears Video Arcade (Sears's own version of the sh-tty Atari 2600, Silvertone, Supertone Records, Ted Williams Sporting Goods, Toughskins (Crappy Clothing for kids that came in sizes slim, regular and husky, which my mother was compelled to buy for me at the beginning of every f--king school year), Tower Cameras, and Weatherbeater paints.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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