Congress Authorizes Sweatshops in US

Funny story written by Evan Essence

Saturday, 13 August 2005

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Taking advantage of the fact the Republicans control both houses of Congress, on Tuesday, Senator Bill Frist pushed a package of new labor laws through the Senate, designed to help make America more competitive, once again, in the International marketplace.

With the rise of International competition in manufacturing, based on extremely low wages overseas, Commerce Department officials believe the only hope for the American economy to remain competitive in the world, is to lower the costs of American products and services. In otherwords, Americans are making too much money from the products and services they sell. The goal of George Bush's economic stimulus package, was to transfer massive amounts of wealth from the US Treasury, to wealthy investors, who invested the money overseas, stimulating foreign competition. This increased foreign competition has succeeded in forcing American costs and earnings lower, thus increasing sales of American products overseas.

In order to compete in the international arena, the US Commerce Department is encouraging US business executives to lower overhead, by following the "Jakarta Business Model". The modern American manufacturing facility should include a rapidly constructed shelter, built with steel rods supporting a corrugated aluminum cover, with a central heating stove.

The new labor laws mandate a 7-day work week and a reduction of the minimum wage to 32 cents per hour. The new laws, passed by Congress, lower the age at which children can begin working to age 6. Employers can mandate no more than a 15-hour work day, without paying overtime.

Providing lucrative social security benefits for senior citizens re-inforces a lazy and decadent attitude, suggesting that these older people should sit in their homes watching TV, while other people take care of them, instead of contributing to the economy with some sort of productive work. People who were not industrious when they were young, and did not bother to put away a large nest-egg, should not be rewarded with social security handouts when they are elderly.

The new 21st century sweatshops will provide a constructive environment where seniors can get together with each other, and enjoy the dignity of contributing to the economy, by carrying out simple automated assembly-line procedures.

Wall Street signaled its satisfaction with these developments, on Wednesday, with a sustained 200 point rally of the DJIA.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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