Cork Soakers Union Elects New President

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

image for Cork Soakers Union Elects New President
Leakage from a poorly soaked cork.

The California wine bottling industry remains in an uproar over the recent ouster of long standing Cork Soaker Union President, Haywood Jablome. With a firm grip on both Napa and Rutherford Valley union bottling facilities, Jimmy A. Haanjob won the union presidential election, popping a cork in celebration.

"Nobody soaked a cork like Jablome", said Wandering Yeast Winery owner, Bob Onanobb. "His lifelong work and cork soaking methods, set the standard for ramming a cork down the neck of any wine bottle, red or white." Those sentiments were echoed by other winery owners and bottling companies. "Jablome knew how to pick the best cork, with very little veining and one perfectly sized for the neck. His cork washing and handling methods were impeccable", says Dingleberry Winery President, Richard Leakey. "Call me Dick", Leakey insisted.

Haanjob, on the other hand, carefully handled his cork soaking campaign in grass roots fashion, holding small meetings with union members in dark alleys and in the back of local pubs. Where Jablome spent his time accommodating winery owners, Haanjob took his cork soaking message directly to the membership. Getting Jablome in the end, Haanjob was named supreme cork soaker after a close vote, 969 to 696.

"My Grandfather was a cork soaker and my father taught me how to soak a cork the proper way, now I'm going to be the best known cork soaker in the wine industry", said Haanjob in his acceptance speech. "Let it be known that when we soak a cork and ram it into the neck, there is never any leakage. Let the French and the Italians try to beat that."

Taking offense to the televised challenge, French Cork Soaking Union leader, Hugo Furst replied, "I have been soaking cork since I was 10 years old and I have never spilled a drop. Besides, French juice simply tastes the best, and the cork deserves a proper soaking."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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