Man sues Smith & Wesson after failed suicide attempt

Funny story written by madcaplaughs

Friday, 24 December 2004

DETROIT - A Michigan man has announced a lawsuit against gun-maker Smith & Wesson after a supposedly failed suicide attempt. Marko Splitzman, a thirty-something man with a history of depression, suffered severe head injuries after attempting to kill himself with a shot in the head from his .38 S&W model handgun. Splitzman came out of a coma just two weeks ago, which he remained in for 106 days, and was told by his physicians that he was paralyzed from the neck down due to the incident.

H. J. P. X. Q. Harrison & Sons, a law firm that specializes in gun-related accidents, has announced their representation of the plaintiff in Spliztman v. Smith & Wesson. Robert McCann, spokesperson for the defending law firm, said that the "current case is rock-solid for our team," stating that, "Guns were made to kill. Obviously that was not the outcome for Mr. Splitzman. Surely if a man is intent on blowing his brains out, he should be able to do so without significant consequences. Aside from death, that is."

Robert Splitzman, a father of four and an avid television watcher, was fired from his job at Val's Llama Farm which caused him to spiral into a manic depression. He began drinking heavily and abusing his children, who are now in the care of state custody. Splitzman's wife left him years ago after running away to the circus, according to court records, forcing Splitzman to care for his children on a significantly meager wage.

The class-action suit has spawned considerable controversy amongst the special interest groups. The NRA has called the situation "hopeless" for the suing party, citing that "everyone knows guns are for self-protection," and asked if "the public honestly believe that the gun was first concocted as a means of killing people?"

The civil suit was announced in a press conference which Splitzman attended, confined to a wheelchair. He even addressed comments of his own; "All the movies I watched, when someone got their heads blown off, they got their heads blown off. William H. Macy gets his brains etched into drywall with a gun not entirely unlike mine in ‘Boogie Nights', Keanu Reeves blows his head off in ‘The Devil's Advocate', Vincent D'Onofrio bites the big one in ‘Full Metal Jacket.' What did I do wrong? Why am I still here?"

Splitzman addressed reporters' questions as well. A reporter asked if Splitzman had ever seen ‘Kill Bill.' His reply was, "Everyone knows that's merely fiction. I can't be a kung fu samurai in a wheelchair." When asked if "maybe God had different plans for him," Splitzman retorted, "If God's plan was to have a fat, smelly Samoan nurse wipe my ass for the next fifty years, I'd say He succeeded quite admirably."

The trial is scheduled to begin sometime next year. Splitzman has asked for $2 billion in punitive damages, citing that Smith & Wesson "improperly manufactured their products, causing significant injury." Smith & Wesson plan to countersue Splitzman for "sheer, downright stupidity."

When asked if he would attempt suicide again, Splitzman said, "All I can say to that is that if the exhaust from my running car doesn't suffocate me to death, Ford is next."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more