In a shocking announcement by the top three greeting card companies around the world, Valentine's Day will be cancelled, starting this February 14th, 2010.
Pauly Moshun, spokesman for the Acme Greeting Card Company, tells reporters, "It was a difficult and emotional decision. Many of us cried, but then smiled at the heart warming goodwill we've helped to establish between friends and lovers over these many years". Moshun dabbed a tear from the corner of his eye in a well choreographed move.
"They dug their own grave", says specialty chocolate queen Coco Pouter. "Now that simple cards run $3.50 to $5.00, and digital message cards running $10 or more, customer's have shifted their focus to better value. I can produce a box of chocolate with a cute message card for under $10. You can't eat paper."
Annual sales statistics support her claim. Once greeting card customers started to figure out they were paying a fortune for a commodity that can be produced on their home computer, sales fell through the floor. Acme, American Greetings and Hallmark have dropped the holiday they designed, in favor of a new one.
Insiders tell reporters that the "Big Three" will start marketing "Friends With Benefits and Lovers Day" each March 10th , which by coincidence is the 69th day of the year. The card companies will produce a new collectible stuffed teddy bear each year to commemorate the new holiday. The price point is expected to be around $30. Men the world over were heard groaning in unison.
"Clearly it is a move to create another holiday, and make it exclusive to their business. But, I will just produce chocolate bears for $15", says Pouter. "Screw them and the paper horse they rode in on".
Snoop Dog, friend to Ms. Pouter, supported her with the comment, "Word, my Nizzle".
