Written by King David

Sunday, 13 January 2008

image for Bible publisher, Oldfactory to sell new scratch 'n sniff bible
Oldfactory publishers kept on their toes devising new and trendy ways to publish the bible

Oldfactory publishing came up with yet another solution today for packaging a really old book, the bible, and making it seem new again.

"The question, how do you sell a really old book that cannot be revised, cannot have the author on Oprah and that 91 percent of households already have? is constantly with us," said Oldfactory spokesman, Great Scott Bookbinder. "So this is our answer...this time."

According to Bookbinder, the scratch 'n sniff bible idea was discovered after Oldfactory executive, Smellie Butkus, paused in a meeting to take off his shoe and scratch the bottom of his foot. The odour from the executive's sock and shoe was exasperating said Bookbinder holding his nose.

"We had to turn on the fans," he said. "Then, someone said, 'Why don't we do a scratch 'n sniff version?' and we were onto something."

In the past, Oldfactory has marketed "trendy" versions of the bible to bolster its $770 million plus North American market that included aiming at specific demographic groups in society such as teens, newly weds and sorority girls.

"In fact," says Bookbinder, "for sorority rush last fall we came out with a light-pink and apple-green cover, the colours of the Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority that was a big hit."

Other special versions that have done well in the past according to Bookbinder include: a palette of mahogany hues for a Father's Day edition; a two-faced, two-toned imitation leather for Detroit car company executives who must cut back on production expenses and fire half of their workforce; a vibrating Braille version for the narcoleptic blind; an emoticons only version for the internet generation user who never learned to read or write using correct grammar; various earth tones, metallic retro and other bright red, yellow and green shades to match home interiors; and a special penis foreskin-bound edition for the macho executive type and Philistinian markets to give them back a little of what their ancestors lost several thousand years ago to a flaunting and radiant Jewish King.

Scratch 'n sniff versions of the bible will take the reader back on an olfactory adventure to the cholent, kugel, turkey salad and kishka that was served on the table of The Last Supper (no lamb was sacrificed-Jesus was vegan). Smell a dead fish from the Sea of Galilee, or the original Fugi apple that caused mankind to sin in the Garden of Eden. Smell all the rest of the exotic flowers of Sumeria and the bed sheets of a newlywed virgin from Israel.

What did the lavatory on Noah's Ark smell like? Or the ocean spray from the sea of Galilee? What did it smell like before the Great Storm that tossed Jonah overboard and into the depths of the ocean? What does it smell like at "the very roots of the mountains and in the valley of the shadow of death?" What did the seaweed smell like that "wrapped around" Jonah's head? What does it smell like in the belly of a beast? What does it smell like to descend into hell?

What did burning Rome smell like in 64 BC? What did the burning Christians smell like the year after? What did burned, unleavened Wonder bread smell like in a stone oven? What about Moses' burning bush in Exodus? How about the 200 Philistininan foreskins, or the semen from one of Noah's three sons that repopulated the earth?

Did King Saul's jealousy toward David have a smell? How about Paul's prison cell after he was arrested in Caesarea? Or what did the Babylonian version of Head and Shoulders shampoo, the shampoo of choice in ancient Sumeria for those awaiting beheading, smell like?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Bible

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