Written by King David

Saturday, 23 December 2006

image for Holiday Madness-Leave the Kids Behind
Planes full of children on the ground at LAX

Reporters yesterday say that nannies are continuing to be hired by airlines during the Christmas season to look after children flying alone and left behind in airports while busy parents are flagging down cabs and carrying Christmas gifts to loved ones.

It was reported yesterday by NPR (Not Pandering Randomly) that a one-month-old baby was put through an X-ray machine at LAX (Los Angeles) airport and left in the gray, personal item bin that usually holds computers, watches, cell phones, palm pilots, change and keys. The woman who left her son was apparently in a hurry and had a lot on her mind.

Earlier this month in Phoenix, an Arizona woman was reported to have left her 2-year-old son in the car while she took the dog inside the mall to go shopping. Apparently, she left instructions with the valet that she would be back shortly and not to wake the child up. After she was arrested on charges of child endangerment, she apparently told the police officer to go back to the mall and pick-up her presents.

In North Carolina, it was reported that a man took his two-month-old son out with him to a strip-tease club on a night out with the guys. The baby was reported to have been all smiles and enamored with the fact that there were so many potential "mamas" walking around. Unfortunately, all the empty excitement left the baby feeling sick afterwards and over stimulated, throwing-up all over himself in the process.

Researchers say that people need to slow down during the holidays. "This is a time to enjoy yourselves instead of running frantically around trying to get everything done," said Joe Balding researcher for the Gazzontit Institute. "Look at the president. You don't see him breaking with his banker-hours schedule. Neither should you."

In other news today, the health club industry is looking forward to fat American's New Year's resolutions to lose weight. Due to all the resolutions and guilt this year, gyms all across America will experience a peak in sales during January.

Spokesman for the health club industry, Jim Getsome says "that with so many overweight Americans gym sales should be a record high again this year. Everybody will work out hard in January, but then we'll begin seeing a falling off until about March when everyone has forgotten what they had set out to do in the first place."

In other news today, researchers discover that Americans have forgotten about their past.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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