Meet ARGH! The New Five Syllable Social Platform Giving Twitter A Run For It's Money

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Saturday, 31 December 2016

image for Meet ARGH! The New Five Syllable Social Platform Giving Twitter A Run For It's Money
A screenshot from ARGH, a new social platform that limits the user to five syllables per post.

Scientists and Doctors have been concerned for decades with the attention span shortening effect of our technologies and electronic entertainment, from the MTV generation in the 80s to the the Wired generation of today tweeting 140 characters or less.

Enter ARGH!, a new social platform that already has over 100 million users in just a few weeks time, but here's the kicker: ARGH! users are limited to five syllables per post regardless of spelling length or brevity.

Consumer, health, and education advocates have blasted the new platform as a cultural blight.

Guillermo Meyers, head of the English Department at Austin University lamented the lack of writing ability that he and many educators are blaming on excessive use of social media.

"We're seeing people who are very adept at social media yet some can't write a proper sentence with all words spelled correctly, and don't even get me started on phonetic spellings."

Meanwhile ARGH! and it's developer Jon Schuyler have been the darlings of Wall Street: Investors have quadrupled the value of ARGH! stock since it's IPO in December.

So how do you ARGH!?

It's simple: ARGH! is a social platform where any and all creative spellings are allowed and encouraged; phonetic, numeric, special characters and anything that your audience will understand--but there is a five syllable limit. When more than one meaning is possible in an ARGH! the shorter interpretation is usually preferred, and any interpretation more than five syllables is considered as incorrect. In addition, the algorithms on ARGH!'s servers will reject any post that it detects as having more than five syllables.

Still confused on how to ARGH!?

Don't worry, we'll get it all squared away with examples and a short talk with inventor and developer of the hot new social platform, Jon Schuyler, who ironically is a former English teacher.

"People are saying we're dumbing ourselves down even more," Schuyler says with a grin, "but I see ARGH! as just another tool in the social arsenal, people will still need the other media when they want to be more articulate than five syllables."

When asked where he got the idea for ARGH! Schuyler explained:

It's my love of poetry and haiku that influenced my thinking when I created ARGH! and the five syllable format--that and one hell of a drunk one night after a poetry reading where I was really enjoying slurring phrases in iambic pentameter. When I sobered up the next day I thought 'why not use a five syllable format in a social platform?' and that became ARGH--and it's just taken off since then."

"And so ARGH! is really for everyone, not just drunk poetic pirates, who have been great by the way as our earliest adopters, including Peter Saarsgard. Still, simplicity of use is key to the platform, there are very few options when ARGH!ing."

Here are some sample posts that are trending on ARGH!:

@JonShuyler Aaarg!

@ShePirate87 RRRRRRG!

@TomVike Puttin' on a drunk!

@PlunderMan Yes, way 2 go, aaarg!

@BlakeBall 2 quarter over

@NobelPoet wine's fine, makes me weeeee!

@GattMonkE Not if Beer is near!

@JonSchuyler Aye Matey, beeer! RRRRRGH!

@AleLubber C U I 2 I!

@PeterSaarsgard Starting New film, AAARGH!

@35mmSal Can't wait 2 c Mate!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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