President Obama Offers to Establish Death Panel

Funny story written by Maryellen Hess Cameron

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

The president announced today a major change to the Affordable Care Act, affectionately known as Obamacare. "It has come to my attention that the largest health care insurance companies have suffered as low a market gain as 570% since the ACA became law in 2010." He added that some profit increases have been as low as 60%.

WellCare stockholders have suffered greatly. Its stock price is up only 1,410%. The president bemoaned WellCare's slow growth since it sells most of its products to the federal government. "If only we had raised reimbursements the company's shareholders could have made more gains, like 2,000%," he said ruefully. Insurers that sell Medicare Advantage plans stumbled under the new law since enrollment only grew 71% during Obama's watch.

Other insurance companies welcomed the president's sympathy. Stock for UnitedHealth Group saw anemic growth at only 814% and Humana's share price is up a tad more at 1,010% as is Cigna's share price at 1,113%. The president teared up when he had to report that Anthem is only up 469%.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters that advisors are preparing an advisory report to advise the president on how to fix this problem for insurers. The death panel approach is "definitely on the table." Other avenues include paying subsidies to insurance companies who pay claims within one year of submission.

When the advisory committee sought input from insurers about forming a Death Panel they declined. An industry spokesperson issued his own press release saying the companies prefer to make their money the old-fashioned way by denying legitimate claims. According to the press release the companies have already suffered huge expenses to manage the profits it has been able to obtain. "Executive compensation has continued to skyrocket for CEOs with the foresight to soak both consumers and the government, while claiming damage from the ACA."

Dear Readers, this article contains fictitious comments from various government and private persons. However, the statistics on insurance companies' growth comes from No. Obamacare isn't killing the insurance industry, an article written by Wendell Potter and published on March 1, 2016 at

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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