The "For Real" Dining Experience

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Sunday, 7 September 2014


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Condoleezza Rice and friend launching "For Real".

A high class restaurant has just opened its doors in Los Angeles. Catering for the Hollywood high rollers it stands by its guarantee that everything on the menu is


Said proprietor Pesto Tortano who was once head chef in the Vatican kitchens and personal favourite of the unfortunate Pope John Paul 1 who was taken to heaven in mysterious circumstances...;

"We don't use plastic. Nothing in FOR REAL is made of plastic, nada!... not even the pens the waitresses use to take your order. And none of our female staff wear wigs, have had plastic surgery or botox jobs and their boobs are for real too. We don't tolerate implants in our food or our staff. No fillings either, all smiles are for real... guaranteed. We give our people crash courses on sincerity... none of that "have a nice day ya all" bull here. There are no chemicals in any of our food, no flavour enhancers, sweeteners, monosodium dumbass glutamate or preservatives; or any of the rest of that shit."

The restaurant has received rave reviews from Hollywood's fine dining journalists for its varied menu cooked by some of the best chefs in the world:

"None of our chefs are from England," stressed Pesto. "No disrespect to Mister Ramsay and Mister Oliver, but since when did that country ever have a dish it invented all by itself? Nothing in that country belongs to it. This is the FOR REAL FINE DINING RESTAURANT, the first of its kind; and our chefs are for real too, weaned and reared by the best... on the best. You will not find a genetically modified herb on the goddam premises, on my word of honour!"

In the posh rooms of FOR REAL, if you live long enough to secure a table, you can have pasta dishes made with real vegetables, curries made with real beef, rice dishes with real chicken and desserts made with real fruit and real cream. Pesto and his backers are already thinking of a restaurant chain to encircle the globe. Only the very rich of course will be breaking bread for real... in FOR REAL.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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