Stock Market Soars due to Pandemic Writer's Block

Written by Otto Diedacht

Friday, 22 November 2013


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Aliso Viejo, CA - (MarketCrotch) - Eyedrop manufacturer Allcon Inc. shares rocketed into a massive thrusting fiscal explosion in after-hours trading action Thursday night, while Bayer & Lubriderm shares surged to hard-to-believe levels, gaining not only worth but girth...

This climactic frenzy burst out after weekly WPM reports & form submission analytics indicated that a viral form of writer's block had caused virtually all active correspondents to fall into wide-eyed, catatonic stupors the week before, resulting in severe ocular dryness & irritation, intense headaches and intermittent bouts of furious, futile masturbation.

These soul-sapping symptoms were observed with detached, unsympathetic distain across the entire distributed network of contributors by their spouses, cohabitants and housepets.

Allcon [All -5.33%] said that for the quarter ended Oct. 31 it gained $219.79 a share, on $819.2 billion in sales, compared with a profit of a penny a share, on sales of $120 million in the same period a year ago. Excluding one-time items*, the eye-care products company reported to it's overseas employees that they had collectively earned 6 shillings a share, several of which their feudal masters held in trust on their behalf for disbursal upon death. The cost savings inherent in this labor force model alone surpassed the forecasts of analysts surveyed by AllFactUp, who also estimated Allcon would report sales of $77 trillion if dividends continued steadily engorging each members holdings.

Average productive weekly writing hours in the quarter plummeted to .17 from 8.3 a year ago, totaling a paltry 4.18 billion hours for all living organisms enslaved to Spoofs draconian Galactic Overlords.

*We told you Brad, it was just that once. Stop hanging around the parking garage after work!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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