Microsoft Rolls Out New Corporate Song

Funny story written by Douglas Salguod

Wednesday, 23 August 2006

image for Microsoft Rolls Out New Corporate Song
Microsoft Updates Its Image with New Corporate Song. Jagger (above), Carter (below)

REDMOND, Wash. - Microsoft announced today that it is introducing a new corporate song to replace the aging "Start Me Up" anthem from the aging British rock group The Rolling Stones. "While 'Start Me Up' has a nice beat and it's easy to dance to," said Microsoft spokeswoman Stacey Blakney, "its appeal has been flagging for quite some time." Blakney noted, "By now it's about as limp as Mick Jagger's wrist."

"The song is just played out," said public relations flack Terri Beglasse. "Users who remembered the song from the Windows ad campaign had a habit of humming "Start Me Up" when their computers re-booted. Some of them had done that literally thousands of times since, as you know, that is a quite frequent occurrence with the Windows OS."

"It was cute the first couple of hundred times they did but it started getting as old as Keith Richards' face after a while," said Kathy Kollar-Kotelly, a media consultant to the software giant.

The new corporate song is the end-product of extensive market research and testing. "We did extensive preparation to determine the genre, style and tempo of our new song, then held a user-directed contest to pick the winner," said Ms. Kollar-Kotelly.

"What people wanted was something more easy listening and with less of driving beat," said Ms. Kollar-Kotelly, "something that would help them calm down."

With all the music choices available, it was amazing, said PR person Beglasse, to see the consensus around the ultimate choice: "Patches, I'm Depending on You Son" as performed by soul artist Clarence Carter. "Its pained hopefulness captures the spirit of the dedicated Windows user," said Beglasse.

Ms. Beglasse said the new corporate song was exceptionally well received by the company's software engineers who say that Microsoft finally seems to be acknowledging their primary work product.

The new Microsoft corporate song will keep programmers and users humming along.

By Clarence Carter (revised)

I'm depending on you, son.
I've tried to do my best.
It's up to you to do the rest.

I'm depending on you, son,
To pull the software through.
My son, it's all left up to you.

Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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