Written by jd Balderdash

Tuesday, 11 July 2006

image for Walmart Attack Doberman Rips the Larynx out of Cynthia Goldstein
Protecting Walmart exits since .. last Thursday

Walmart, in it's quest to roll back not only prices but pure basic common sense as well hired 870 dozen full blooded Doberman Pinschers to guard their exit portals .. the only problem being, one Pinscher, "Claude" at the Denver Walmart #2192 ripped the very LARYNX out of Walmart shopper Cynthia Goldstein after she accidentally walked out of Walmart #2192 with a 25 cent pack of Skittles ..

Goldstein, in serious but stable condition lying on a cold hard concrete SLAB at Denver memorial morgue may have some beyond the grave "questions" for Walmart, number one on the list being ..


CLAUDE -> grrrrrrrr

"The LARYNX", says CNN's doctor Sanjay Gupta is not that critical of a body part. According to Gupta it's when the throat, windpipe, aorta and parts of the trachea get ripped out along WITH the larynx is when some complications can arise.

Walmart, sorry for the whole darned "larynx incident" offered to compensate Mrs Goldstein's family (and 2 motherless toddlers). One Walmart official told KDNV reporters,

"Claude is no longer a viable part of the Walmart team. He has, in fact been sent to his kennel without any Kibbles OR any Bits for supper. We are graciously offering the family of Mrs Goldstein an unlimited lifetime supply of not only Tide++ but a 30 day free "limited" pass to Sam's Club provided they redeem said offer within the next 20 minutes, some restrictions may apply."

Claude's trainer, provider of ALL Doberman security Dobermans to Walmart, former guest at St Daffy's Mental Institute for the Totally Insane in Bakersfield spoke (if you can call it that) to reporters saying:

"That Goldstein lady ..she .. NO .. uh .. YES NO .. that, uh LADY she KNEW what she was doin walk'n outta Walmart of all places with unpaid for Skittle candies my GOD how'm I to train my Dobermans if every time some goober tries .. tries to STEAL stuff right outta WALMART and my Dobermans have to in a split second first go through some kinda Court TV legal mumbo jumbo MIND calculus in their minds (of which they have none) and THEN decide whether to either snap the NECK off the Walmart perpetrator OR bite off the private parts of said Walmart perpetrator then, then SPIT the private parts out in the middle of the Walmart parking next to Walmart's dadgum GAS station for everybody with lime green SUV's to roll over with their WHEELS and go EWWWW, PRIVATE PARTS .. on my WHEELS YAAAAAAAAAA I SWEAR me and my dobes ain't again going to go through THAT round of .."

CLAUDE -> grrrrrrrrrrr

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Walmart, Denver

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
43 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more