The First Guide Sloths Finish Training in a Few Weeks

Written by Ellie James

Sunday, 22 April 2012

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It takes almost as long to train a sloth as it does for a single person to eat a case of honey.

The Seeing Sloth, a guide animal school specializing in training sloths, has announced that the first guide animals will be available to the general public in the coming months, or perhaps years.

Despite the fact that the school is called The Seeing Sloth, it also trains sloths to be medical alert animals, as well as reading animals.

The sloths undertake a rigorous training regimen, much like guide dogs. The only difference according to Morgan Greene, lead sloth trainer, is that it takes longer to train them.

"If it weren't for the slowness of the animal, the sloth would most likely complete the training in a few years just like dogs. People assume that sloths don't work as hard as other working animals. This is just not the case. They work seven times as long and therefore seven times as hard," said Greene as he finished a two week long Crossing The Street lesson.

The American Foundation of Guide Dogs and Other Such Animals have some concerns though. In a recent inspection of The Seeing Sloth, they found a man in his twenties asleep by the curb of a street waiting for his sloth to alert him when it was safe to cross the street.

The American Association of Pediatric Medical Conditions also has some concerns. They have taken away their recommendation of using a sloth as a medical alert animal due to the fact the sloth is too passive to be effective in a medical emergency.

Despite some warnings, the Slow Readers of America Association has loved working with sloths with some of their key association members.

"We can read as slow as we want, and the sloth doesn't seem to care. I can't wait to get one of my own. I've been wanting to read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace and I think a reading sloth would be the only creature to tolerate me reading a 484,001 word book."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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