The UK's leading designer and manufacturer of quality headgear, Onme Edson, of the Ilkley Moor Hat Firm Inc of Spewing Malden Mill, Dorking, today announced that old hats are old hat, and that anybody who's anybody in the world today is investing in posh new hats and titillating titfers.
"In these austere times of austerity," Edson reported. "Hats are a better bet than gold. Everybody's investing in nice new hats. Old hats are old hat, but new hats are the hottest hat related development to hit the world of hats in a generation. Nobody wants to be seen wearing an old hat, because it's old hat. New hats are the way forward. Everybody's wearing them."
And Edson isn't a man prone to hot air emissions - recent paparazzi publications reveal that Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice have both bought new hats in recent days, and they're not alone.
The Ilkley Moor Hat Firm Inc have by all accounts been swamped with orders from fairground operators for pork pie hats. None other than David Cameron and Nick Clegg have placed orders for black cowboy hats, and Manchester City boss, Roberto Mancini has ordered a custom made 'Twat Hat' to match his scarf.
Legendary Spoof writer and Nottingham denizen, Inchcock, has ordered a woolly hat in black and white stripes in order to pay homage to the 'Grand Old Lady' of Italian football, Juventus - who nicked their kit design from Notts County, founder members of the Football League.
Either that or it was in an attempt to cover up the purple stains left by his impetigo lotion.
Whichever way you care to take it, old hats are old hat, and new hats are all the rage.
Dorking Review writers and manual workers, Clive Danton and Martin Shuttlecock have not, as yet, purchased new hats, but are said to be giving it serious consideration.
"I might get a new one if I can afford it," said Shuttlecock.
Danton was unavailable for comment as he was otherwise occupied throwing one over the knuckle whilst thinking about the late actress Yootha Joyce out of George And Mildred, aiming at a blue mug for the inevitable fallout, and attaching crocodile clips to his nipples in eager anticipation of winning the next writing competition without so much as breaking wind.
Under fire Spoofer and former Bolivian tyrannical despot, Colonel Juan admitted he was considering buying a crash helmet, although he doubts that he can also afford to run to a Harley Davidson.
"It's me knees," he complained. "They're getting worn out from taking all the flak on me back."
Edson confirmed that the Ilkley Moor Hat Firm Inc have received a prestigious order for a big conical hat with the letter 'D' embroidered into it, but owing to the data protection act, he was unable to reveal the customer details.
Although he was overheard mentioning the Dorking area. Off the record of course.
Although nobody is admitting it, sources say that Martin Shuttlecock is furious.
"Get a new hat - you know it makes sense," Onme Edson told a packed press conference.
More as we get it.
