With America's out of control debt fast spiraling toward a record $9 trillion, President Bush has announced that the United States is seeking debt relief from the World Bank and the IMF.
"Today's deal is a major step in bringing a better future for America, a country in which 42 million people have no health insurance and over 35 million live in poverty," said the president after signing a landmark debt relief deal with the Bush appointed World Bank president, and former under secretary of defense, Paul Wolfowitz. "As home to seven out of ten North Americans, progress on debt in the US is critical to progress on poverty in North America."
Since Bush took office in January of 2001, inheriting a record surplus, the debt has grown bigger than anyone could have imagined possible, thanks in large part to Bush's series of unprecedented tax cuts aimed at corporate America and the wealthy elite, as well as his ill-fated war in Iraq and a generally sluggish domestic economic situation.
The US will be granted debt relief through the IMF's Poverty Reduction and Growth Facility (PRGF) and the World Bank's Heavily Indebted Poor Country (HIPC) Initiative, two programs which operate in conjunction with each other.
As a signatory to the initiatives, the US has to implement a "structural adjustment" program for three years under the supervision of World Bank and IMF officials. Under structural adjustment, the US will have to liberalize its economy, open its markets to foreign investment, drastically scale back wages (as well as remove the minimum wage), slash pensions and social security, and privatizing state-owned assets by selling them off to international corporations.
"Oh, man. This is just plain humiliating," said Treasury Secretary John Snow when told of the structural adjustment requirement. "Maybe I should stop touting Bush as being more fiscally responsible than Clinton at this point, huh?"
Yesterday's New York City meeting between Wolfowitz, Bush and Snow cemented the deal, that will in effect see a wide range of international corporations purchasing pieces of the United States at rock bottom prices.
"That's why, from the day I was first selected for this job, I said that my first priority would be America, to help do what we could at the World Bank to help America reverse the cycle of poverty and deteriorating living conditions," said Wolfowitz.
News of the agreement sent the American stock market into a near-deadly downward tailspin - defaulting on debt guarantees an extremely negative credit rating for the US government, a move that will likely bankrupt most American businesses. A compete market crash was only averted because most brokerage firms closed early so that company executives could leave the country before the US shut down all outgoing commercial air traffic at the bequest of the FAA which is closed indefinitely pending sale.
Nigeria Water Consortium (NWC) Ltd is said to be the top contender to buy all of the lakes and rivers in the continental US as well as Alaska and Hawaii at well below market value. "We are currently considering the purchase of all bodies of water in the United States, a deal that we hope will be of mutual benefit to NWC as well as all Americans, who will finally have first class access to clean water," said company spokesperson Adebayo Kanu.
A plethora of corporations from Asia, Africa and South America have also expressed interest in purchasing American assets and natural resources, says a leaked IMF report published in the Wall Street Journal.
The National Bank of the Congo is rumoured to be in talks to buy US coal mines, while a consortium of state-owned Venezuelan corporations along with the Bolivian National Bank (Banco nacional de Bolivia) is considering buying the Federal Reserve.
Also, Richard Branson's Virgin Group is looking into aquiring the US-owned Virgin Islands. "It's only fitting, really, because of our similar name and the laughingly ridiculous cheap price," said a spokesperson for Branson, the multi-billionaire behind Virgin Music and Virgin Airlines.
Bush promised Americans in a television address this morning that structural adjustment will alleviate the government's growing financial mess by easing the country's debt burden while simultaneously bettering lives for ordinary Americans. However, many ordinary Americans were not convinced.
"Take a look at Africa and most of South America, that's us in a few years," said John Smits, an economics professor at Stanford University. "Structural adjustment programs like the PRGF/HIPC initiative actually worsen poverty, only enriching greedy foreign corporations at the expense of the indebted country's citizens and natural resources. I don't have high hopes for America's chances. I think we're screwed basically. Thanks a lot Bush. One more smart decision to go up there with Iraq and Katrina."
Reached in Ireland, Live Aid and Live 8 organizer and Third World debt crusader Bob Geldof would not comment on the rumour that he is considering organizing another Live Aid-type event to raise money for American debt relief.
