London - (Yule-Be-Sorry!): A new decryption of 2012 Mayan calendar rants has found a chilling Yuletide prophecy about the Queen. Behind the gibberish of apocalyptic scares lies a pre-Columbian Mesoamerica grimoire about the end of the Merovingian...
London - (Winter Triangle): A Mercury-Mars-Pluto conjunction straddling Capricorn threatens to scupper the whistleblower's court appearance on Tuesday. The stunning triplicity occurs on the natal Sun/Mercury conjunction of a top UN war crimes pros...
London - (Death Star Stuff): The poison pus of public orifice that is William Jefferson Clinton is finally ready to burst. Forty years of covering up this putrid boil are being exposed in a damning Wikileaks revelation. This coincides with Mon...
London - (Portents): The happy couple have picked Friday 1st July to get hitched. It would have been Princess Diana's 50th birthday and is way too good an opportunity to pass over milking. A bit of help from astrology pals has seen Wills and Ka...
Mumbai - (Zodiac Mess): Indian stargazers who picked the date for Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan's nuptial conjunction advised on the timing of today's royal announcement. A resplendent Sun trine Jupiter angle straddling the signs of Scorpio...
Both British and American scientists are excited about what may happen on November 30th during a twelve-hour period that day. "If you lie down flat on your back on your bed, the gravity pull of the sun on the three planets in a line will make you...
London - (YouBoob! Mess): The annual Hunter's Moon this Saturday could play havoc with silicon implants and inflatable boobies scientists warned today. Lunar nocturnal emissions during last year's Taurus full moon had been bad enough, the Astrolog...
By our resident astrologer, Liberty Nebulae. You are well known for being indecisive - but you must be firm. Grab opportunity by the forelock, my lovely Libra darlings. Yes! Smack that smart-arse get at work who keeps nicking your coffee and swans around chatting up the birds - give him a right good twatting! He's been asking for it for years, hasn't he? Didn't he blame you for that cock-up...
Brest, Finisterre - (Retrograde Stuff): A massive 179,000-ton Panamanian tanker, the Hanjin Rizhao, has been in collision with the Turkish-registered YM Uranus, carrier of 7,000 tons of gasoline solvent called heavy pygas. The accident, off Finis...
London - (Day of Judgement Mess): The terminal astrological activity may trigger a right royal RIP disaster Palace lackeys said today. The likelihood of HM trying to replicate Gareth Williams' hide-and-seek caper with a copycat fatal bagging-up st...
Tehran - (Bleedin Cheek Mess): The entire Iranian female population has been banished to secure menstrual huts this Thursday. Worried mullahs have warned the Harvest Moon and Autumn Equinox will make women 'so supernaturally powerful' that they ca...
Cornwall - (Reuterus): Samantha's waters broke shortly after 8am just as the waxing full moon made a conjunction with Neptune, mythical god of the seas. The Camerons, holidaying in rain deluged Cornwall, had to make a quick dash to Truro's Royal C...
Iran - (Shaikh, Rattle & Roll-over): Stargazers monitoring Iranian airspace paths of the annual Perseid meteor shower are gobsmacked. The cosmic lightshow emanating from the constellation Persia is wreaking havoc with Tuesday's new moon, hera...
Ballybollox Castle, Scotland - (Portents): In an ironic twist of fate the first sight to greet HM this morning was a 500ft mushroom cloud crop circle in a Balmoral wheat field that somehow sprang up over night.. The apparition seems to depict the...
Washington - (Numerology News): Five planets in an explosive astrology T-Square on the President's birthday and the First Lady's off slumming it where?? "He's a big boy now," the CIA's Head of Numerology commented today as Michelle and daughter Sa...
In yet another scenario that puts the lives of the Gosselin kids in a scary situation, it has just been announced that the Gosselin gaggle is in Alaska filming a camping trip with none other than the mama grizzly herself, Sarah Palin. But before you get all excited about this being a wonderful opportunity for two very head-strong women to meet up, track bear, and bury the hatchet over past disagre...
London - (Snake-in-the-Grass News): Hellfire Club grandees are hotfooting it to the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain tonight. Thursday's 21.57BST eclipse of the brightest star in the Ophihchus constellation 'could be really bad shit,' however, for...
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