Bad news if you do not have a dishwasher and like eating your food using clean cutlery and sparkling plates. West Ham fans, including Ray Winstone, Danny Dyer and some movie person who once saw them on the TV have exhausted the UK's supply of fairy l...
Samantha 'Stiff neck, prominent jaw line, unflinching eyes and mechanical mouth' Jones has caused surprise and uproar today after she was spotted showing what appeared to be some kind of human emotion. After hearing about Tennis player Andy Murr...
Bad news is set to hit everyone this week as large swathes of armed robbery, parliamentary fraud and not to mention the worst weather since records began are due in the UK. It is predicted to be worse than the last time absolutely nothing at all hap...
Angry scenes at A&E tonight as a man and woman, Barry Nutsafe and Dawn Moulds are having a 'pain-off', just to see which is more painful. Being kicked in the privates or childbirth. We have an audience including staff having fag breaks, peopl...
Attempting to try top ten tempting things 1. Pedal backwards on a bicycle, go on try it, but mind the river. 2. Washing all of the dust from the cupboards of old mother hubbard. 3. Play hide and seek on an extremely small boat. 4. Rock climbing a donkey. 5. Make a lists. 6. Watch the trailer of 1953 romantic drama movie 'the earrings of Madame de' 57 times and then attempt to fi...
Eighties new wave band 'A flock of seagulls' have today been bailed pending further investigation after it was reported they had swarmed and beaten down an OAP on Brighton pier last October. The band, fronted by a man who's hair looks like a set...
World renowned food critic 'just one more' Larry Le Cellar-door last night shocked attendees at the '7even' restaurant a la 'fit to bursting' pub, aka 'tramp-shed', Chiswick. Everyone at the table had just sat down for their meals when Mr. Cellar...
The world finally learned today of a man who had misplaced his wife, Irene Bumblekiss, in the Liverpool address of one of his previous residences. After being questioned this morning the man said he'd completely forgotten about her and couldn't ev...
Technofiles rejoice! Apple have unveiled the latest addition to their ever expanding army of sense assaulting machines. 5S-teve! Included with this release will be a free download of IOS Jobs. The update comes with ruthless business acumen, foldi...
Worried parents and performing clowns have been seated watching news24 for the last 72 hours, biting eyebrows and clipping unwanted chattering teeth after somegirl, someplace, it was Alice but not their Alcie disspersed into the winds surrounding her...
Following last week's barometer breaking wind speeds, officials from someplace have announced plans to erect new wind breakers at several key locations around the United Kingdoom. Many unsavouries, previously thought upon as being especially savo...
Have you ever wondered about life doing a job which you are currently not doing? Well today we explore such a farfetched possibility and investigate the life of a travelling salesman. If you already are a travelling salesman then please do not read any further. We are looking for the truth only. Also if you are not a man then please put those scowls away and rest assured that we are thinking of yo...
My Gerbil Percy (a name is ever there was one) loves to whistle tunes, you'll catch him on a Friday night whilst whistly at the moon. But that's not all you see he puts on quite a show, he's no one trick pony no, he's more feathers to his bow. He spins plates with spaghetti and twirls amongst confetti, a real sight or so I am told. A hearty soul my Percy Pal I'm so glad to have known. He...
That Budgie Harold of mine, forever drinking and all the time. A squirt of whisky, a glug of Guinness it's surprise at all he's still here with us. There he go a shouhy loud at regulare passer-by, shouby in the morning tide this budgie who imbibe. But what else for a bird who sing and squawk and scream, we hang him by the lamppost bright and watch him gently dream. God Harold, noddy...
Here are two long long Chrisbus lettuce Dir Simon Horp yore havving a spivving time in the countryside, we know that you are. Just a little spiggy about us. Dad's had a shave and is the usual chips off the old bloke he's always been, Mary really is a grate size now but we horpe she won't bust before you arrive. Josie needs embalming after her accident and Ken (minus tail) won a lorry full of...
Police looking into the tragic death of a 79-year-old man from Liverpool, now say that they are seriously considering treating the matter as an act of terrorism. The man (who may also have been a terrorist) was severely wounded in the incident and he...
Rupert was a man from the back streets of Kensington. He lived out of a modest five bedroom apartment and survived on a mere £200,000 per year. Unfortunately for Rupert his world soon became shattered and broken and he could no longer afford a nanny to look after Francesca and Tarquin so he decided to feed the nanny to his 500ft long tarantula's. The tarantula's were highly maintained and demanded...
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