"To think I kissed her there-and there-and there!"-Sarah Michelle Gellar Michelle Trachtenberg (who should change her last name because, like Schwarzenegger, it's just too hard to spell) calls herself an American actress although her mother was born in Russia. She appeared as a key in energy form that became flesh so that she could live with her mentor, Sarah Michelle Gellar, in Sunnydale, Ca...
Charles Fort made a living making up supposed news stories which he then compiled in several books which not only sold well but remain in print today, giving The Spoof's writers hope that they, too, can perhaps cash in on "lies, damned lies, and statistics," as Mark Twain defined fiction. Early Daze Fort was born (some say, hatched) in New York (some say, Albany), and claimed to have had Dut...
Marti Noxon grew up in a haunted house, believing that her brain was ectoplasmic and could, of itself, produce thoughts that were both rational and meaningful without being maudlin. She attended Pesky College, University of California, Ain't Hanna Barbera, majoring in Melodrama, because she couldn't get into UCLA and because she wanted, even in her twenties, to be a Valley Girl. Just a Little O...
"Nobody is anybody if her body is female and she hasn't been kissed by me."--Sarah Michelle Gellar "I married her because of her acting talent; she convinced me she was hot."--Freddie Prinze, Jr. "Who? Oh, wait! I know 'her-the little Jewish girl with no breasts, right?"--Howard Stern Sarah Michelle Gellar (also known as "Barely There Gellar") was a major Daytime Enema Award-winning ac...
Electro (not to be confused with Electra, which ends in "a") is a Marvel Comics character with multiple personalities, sometimes making appearances in Timely Comics and Atlas Comics as well as Marvel Comics. In one of his identities, Matt Dillon, the son of a bean counter and and an over-protective mother who thought her son rather stupid, advising him to seek work as a lineman for an electrical c...
Mexican actress Selma Hayek prayed nightly to God for a bigger bust. She even visited a church in Cancun, where, allegedly, the Virgin intercedes with God to work miracles. She bathed her chest in holy water and asked God to "make 'em sprout!" Sh...
GAY PARIS, France - According to a recent scientific study, being "blonde" may be catching. The dumb blonde stereotype, it turns out, may be true, not only of blondes themselves, but also of others who come within 500 feet of them. To paraphrase Shak...
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has recommended adding dog meat to America's school lunch menus and military chow halls. As a child, the president was force-fed Dalmatian steaks that his Indonesian step-and-fetchit transsexual "father" La...
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama has put military men and women off limits to predatory for-profit colleges that have traditionally preyed upon the weak and stupid, including veterans of the U. S. Army, the U. S. Air Force, the U. S. Navy, th...
OTTAWA, MANITOBA - Pranksters who work for the Bank of Canada shocked and amused citizens of the northernmost North American Continent nation by infusing the green ink with which its banknotes are printed with lysergic acid dyethylmiode (LSD or, depe...
CLEVELAND, OH - An Ohio judge ordered Tommy, an obese boy, returned to his mother, Ima Dick, after she completed a year-long, court-ordered college course in diet and nutrition and the boy shed three of his six hundred pounds. Asked how they plan...
FISHWIFE, MI - Diane McTease, a high school student from the northern Michigan town of Fishwife, had a swell idea for a prom dress as she watched her sexy sex-ed teacher, Ms. Tew Cute, demonstrate the proper way to unroll a latex condom over a cucumb...
LONE STAR, TEX ASS - "We had good reason to execute Carlos DeLuna," Warden Hank Williams said. "He was the spitting image of the killer, he had the same first name, and was near the scene of the crime at the fateful hour. Besides, he deserved to die.
AUSTIN, TEX ASS - The University of Tex Ass at Austin shocked graduates, alumni, and students' parents with its announcement, printed on the school's 2012 Commencement program, of a new academic program that it has added to its curriculum to honor th...
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM, TEXAS - Cheyenna Richards, of Houston, Texas, who admits she's "not all that," nevertheless claims that Jesus frequently joins her in the shower. The former atheist, who now describes herself as "a believer," says that his...
FREE LOVE, NEB - After 65 years of marriage, Mel and Joey Schwanke had seen it all - or all they wanted to see - when it came to their bodies. "The thrill was definitely gone," Mel said. "You can say that again," his wife declared. "The thrill was...
CLARK COUNTY, KY - We've all heard of giving away the store-but Rankin Paynter did just that, literally, when he purchased a local Kmart, lock, stock, and barrel-and proceeded to give away the merchandise! "He's either generous as hell or crazier...
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