In their campaign to combat school bullying, the Ministry of Education have pointed out that there's one group of children who are more fortunate than others. A study has shown that children suffering from illiteracy are far less likely to suffer...
Hello, fellow anarchists! You'll find these thoughts of mine simple and to the point. No waffle. We anarchists hate wafflers. We anarchists hate everything, but we hate wafflers most of all. So stay with me and be entertained by the utter ravings of a gay, middle-class, part-time anarchist! My name is Guy Forkes and I always like to joke that my name can cause fireworks. Ha! Ha! Ha! My Partner, on...
According to the Sun, some nurse claims she saw the face of Christ on her drainpipe. So who is Jesus trying to convert? Rats and spiders? SPIDER: I was a hopeless alcoholic. Then, one day, as I crawled up the water spout I saw Jesus. We all know that Jesus had the common touch. But surely not this fucking common! And the nurse wants the Pope to come round to see it. POPE: Ach so! Get ou...
According to the Justice Secretary Ken Clarke, it costs £38,000 a year to keep someone in jail. And this is more than the fees charged at Eton. Justice Secretary? Where's the justice in that? He's having a laugh, right? On the other hand, this gives the lags two advantages over those public school toffs. Not only are the fees higher, they don't have to wear those stupid top hats and stiff coll...
Or...Gonzo Journalism Without the Use of Illegal Substances It didn't all start with the Internet. One particularly inventive troll who still stalks me first appeared after I discovered a slip of paper under a hedge bearing a weird message written in a childish scrawl. Running it through the Internet I discovered it was taken from the Koran and was a poor alliteration of Sura 104, "The Backbite...
Famous actresses and fashion models are busy people. So, when it comes to that time of month, they'd rather concentrate on other things. Which is where you come in. As a trained Tampon Insertion Technician it will be your job to see there are no messy accidents. No previous experience necessary as full training is provided. You don't even need any educational qualifications. Just good eyes...
The organizers of severely disabled people who are planning to take part in a protest march, over proposed spending cuts, have announced that the group is hoping to reach Number 10 by 2012. That's if all goes well and the wind is behind them.
In America the following letter has just been uncovered under the Freedom of Information Act and is causing some concern in the Bible Belt… Chief of Chaplains, Department of the Navy, 2 Navy Annex, Washington, DC 20370-0400 703-614-4043. Greetings, Chief! My name is Milton P. Smith and I'm a Master Gunnery Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps. The reason I'm writing you i...
Students of the First World War will find letter dated June 5th 1915 interesting... Dearest Mother, Thank you for your last letter and please forgive me for taking so long to reply. The fact that they've collected a large number of white feathers doesn't mean that my brother Harry and his dissolute chums belong to an ornithological society. The thing is, I've been awfully busy fighting...
Unless they strike it rich like J. K. Rowling, writers can often find themselves strapped for cash. (Harry Potter! That was magic, right?) So here's a guaranteed, sure fire, money spinning idea. Are you ready for this? Okay, here it is: OPEN UP A MEN'S BARBER SHOP AND EMPLOY NAKED WOMEN TO CUT THEIR HAIR! Take my word for it, in a few short hours the place will be packed solid. Bald men will b...
Below is a report of a recent trial at the Crown Court in Eastbourne that appeared in the Law Review. The Law Society have expressed some alarm and the report, which contains extracts of Defence Counsel Rowan-Berry QC's cross-examination of the main witness for the prosecution, Detective Inspector Goosegog, is reprinted below. Rowan-Berry: Detective Inspector, would you agree that the deliberat...
Before you fire up your favourite browser, that's a geeky joke. As far as I know there's no such website. There should be, but there isn't. The joke being that the Internet is just like the travelling circus in the 1932 film, The Freaks, starring Wallace Ford and the gorgeously Slavonic Olga Baclanova. (The definitely political incorrect poster from this MGM production proclaimed, "Can a Full Grow...
When I arrived at the laboratory, Professor Hung Lo was waiting to greet me. From his reputation I'd expected a charismatic figure. Instead, I was confronted by a little wizened Chinaman who reminded me of the shopkeeper in that film, The Gremlins. Ho said he didn't normally deal with journalists unless they were from the scientific journals. But he'd heard I'd written a series of articles about h...
When the Apollo 11 astronauts landed on the lunar surface the last thing they expected to find was that the moon was made of green cheese. But that's precisely what they did find. It was Neil Armstrong who first discovered this amazing fact. Picking up a small moon rock he discovered that it was both crumbly and, when examined closely, had a faint greenish tinge. He took it back to the...
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