Rosie O'Donnell - My Fake Diary

Thursday, 22 March 2007

THE SECRET DIARY OF ROSIE O'DONNELL.

Dear Diary.

My resolution this year is to keep a diary. Last night I realized that I was a perceptive, intelligent, sensitive, and observant person. By keeping a diary I will preserve my thoughts for the good of all mankind.

January 2, 2007.

Dear Diary.

Diary when I die you will be opened to Amerika. People will be sad when they see I was very different from the person they thought me to be. They will cry when they realized that they had misjudged someone as wonderful as I am.

January 3, 2007.

I am not what I seem!

When people look at me do they see a fat, obnoxious, shrill dyke who was raised in Queens? That's not the real me. I act this way because I am a sensitive caring person who has been hurt too many times. I have raised walls for my defense. Inside I am a shy little girl who likes the music of Kenny G., teddy bears with pink ribbons around their necks, long walks under a starry sky, sad rainy days, and screaming at ELIZABETH HASSELBECK.

January 9, 2007

I'm stopping this "Dear Diary" stuff. This diary only cost me $1.39 at K-Mart.

January 10, 2007

Heaven! I'm in heaven! Just read the latest popularity poll taken of the viewers of the VIEW. ELIZABETH is LAST! IS LAST! LAST! Amerika has finally seen her for what she is---a DUMB POLACK! I got 93 more votes than she did! Good thing I lobbied my friends at NAMBLA to vote for me.

January 11, 2007.

Behind my back I think I hear people whispering things like "Rosie hates ELIZABETH HASSELBECK because she is attractive, slim, intelligent, married to a HUNK QB and weighs less than my Rosie's left thigh"

January 12, 2007.

I hate ELIZABETH because she graduated from Boston College and I attended Boston University.

What do we eat?

Eagle meat!

What do we eat?

Eagle meat!

What do they eat?

SHIT!

Go TERRIERS!

January 15, 2007.

I found a great new place to get clothes: the Goodwill Drop at the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Before I knew it I had four shopping bags filled with new clothes. I know what you are thinking: Rosie should leave the clothes for the poor. Well I did. I changed into my new clothes and left my old coat, dress, and undergarments for Goodwill.

January 23, 2007.

Today ELIZABETH brought up on VIEW that SHE delivered an important address at the 2004 Republican National Convention. Whoop-de-do! Big shit! But I topped her BIG TIME! I screamed at her that I gave the keynote address at the 2006 convention of NAMBLA! I hope it was broadcast. As soon as I said NAM... I saw BARBARA frantically motioning to the producer to cut to commercial.

January 24, 2007.

I gave ELIZABETH a T-Shirt I got for delivering my speech to my local chapter of Bi-Sexuals Anonymous. (You know. The one that starts with "I am a bisexual." The T-shirt shirt was lettered with "MY LOVER CAN LICK YOUR LOVER!"

I bet my civil partner can lick Matt Hasselbeck any time! Hah!

January 31, 2007.

I called the registrar at BU today. I wanted to embarrass ELIZABETH by showing my BU transcript to her. The BU Registrar took some time to look me up, but sez that she couldn't find any records of my attendance at BU. Bullshit I sez, must be some kinda mistake. Go back and look harder bitch. The Registrar said my records might have been lost in the big fire a few years ago. How many records were lost I sez? Just two she sez: Howard Stern's and the records of an unknown person who we can finally identify as you.

February 6, 2007.

Everyone thinks that ELIZABETH is nice. Not TRUE! Just a few moments ago she stuck her head into my dressing room and told me that my atrocious behavior was a strong argument for a longer and more severe Irish Potato Famine. I yelled that she was an ignorant POLACK SLUT and threw my coffee cup at her head, but she closed the door before it hit.

Imagine her nerve.

When I go home I'll have to look up on Wikapedia what the "Irish Potato Famine" was.

February 7, 2007.

I brought a dozen roses to Elizabeth's dressing room today and told her I was sorry about yesterday. She gave me a hug and said that she forgave me and that we could start anew. (Whoa, did I get turned on by that hug. ELIZABETH would be OK in bed.) I sez she better put on her makeup because the show is about to start. When she starts applying her face cream I lost control and rolled over in laughter. Last night I snuk into her room and put some doggie poo in the jar!

February 8, 2007.

When I got home today I noticed a new turkey baster on the kitchen table. I asked my civil partner if this meant she was thinking of having a baby. She said no, we just needed one around the house for the kitchen. I was sad the rest of the night. I'm sick of being teased by Melissa Etheridge about not fathering any children.

February 11, 2007.

Made a big decision today. I had to tell Vince McMahon that I wouldn't become a wrestler for his Extreme Championship Wrestling show. It wasn't the money. It wasn't the costume. It wasn't that I would play a "heavy" named the "Irish Idiot." It was because Vince insisted that I stop using steroids.

Besides, how could I yell at ELIZABETH every day if I became a professional wrestler?

February 14, 2007.

Today, we talked about Global Warming on the VIEW. JOY said something about AL GORE being a big hunk and how she wanted to get into his pants. BARBARA said the global warming debate is over because ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC decided it was. ELIZABETH had to be a pain. She thought she was impressing everybody when she uses BIG words to say something like "mathematical predictive models of the climate are heuristically invalid because they attempt to model a chaotic system linearly."

You shoudda seen the look on the faces of JOY, and BARBRA when I told ELIZABETH to shut her pie hole because everybody knew the Goddess didn't create global warming in seven days. If I hadn't kept talking, I don't know how we would have made break since they were all speechless for the next 187 seconds.

February 22, 2007.

I'm walking on sunshine. Oh yeah! Today I received an engraved notification from the Hasty Pudding Club of Harvard University saying that I was voted their "Woman of the Year."

Oh YEAH!

The notification said that a Rolls Royce limousine would be waiting in front of the Greyhound Terminal to take me to the campus of Harvard University in downtown New Haven.

I'm off!!!!!

February 27, 2007.

Leave it to the Hasty Pudding Club to screw up! When my overnight bus arrived in New Haven there was not chauffer or limousine waiting. After an hour I decided to squeeze into a cab driven by some garlic soused Arab in a dirty turban. "Abdul," I sez, "take me to Harvard." Abdul pushes back his turban, rubs his hands together, and punches some number into his calculator. Then he sez:" You got $337.53 Lady?" "$337.53 for a cab ride in New Haven? How stupid do I look?" Abdul takes a while to answer. He looks like he is choosing his words carefully. "Lady," sez he, "Harvard is in Boston, not New Haven." So I grab Abdul by the back of his hairy neck and slam his face into the steering wheel before I head back to the Greyhound Terminal to grab a bus to Boston. Finally, I arrive at the Hasty Pudding Club Building. I walk up to this person who looks important: "I'm here to receive the women of the year award." This person looks at me like me like I'm a lunatic. "Madame, the award of which you speak is not given until later in the year." Now, I'm really mad so I knock him down with a right uppercut. Imagine that! The idiots at the Hasty Pudding Club didn't know the date of their own award or that Harvard was located in Boston, and not New Haven. What stupidity!

March 9, 2007.

I have received an invitation to the annual conference of the Canadian Association of Civil and Professional Engineers. They have chosen me "Dyke of the Year," Unlike the jerks from the Hasty Pudding Club, they have thoughtfully provided me with a one-way bus ticket to the site of this year' conference in Moose Jaw, Alberta.

March 17, 2007.

I will not write anything about my trip to Moose jaw.

March 21, 2007.

My old roommate from BU called. Olga is now teaching at Dartmouth. Olga said they were going to execute their first Dartmouth Male student for hate speech and though I'd like being the honorary captain of the firing squad for this historic event. Would I! Just let me pack some duds in my paper shopping bags and I'm off to the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Hang on Olga sez. Because of the importance of this event wear something special. How about the camouflage fatigues Fidel Castro gave you on you last trip to Cuba?

March 22, 2007.

I am crushed.

I knew something was wrong when I saw that Olga was crying through the window of my Greyhound as it pulled into the Hanover bus terminal.

I grabbed Olga and gave her a BIIIIIIIIG Hug! Olga, why are you crying sez I?

Because the execution is off Olga sez. The criminal's friends broke him out of confinement and they all are heading to Alabama.

Well, I sez, why don't we just pick up another male student and shoot him?

There aren't any male students left at Dartmouth. Sez Olga. . They're all gone. Dartmouth is all girls' school now. We're thinking of joining the Seven Sisters.

Olga, that's terrible. Don't you have any good news?

I suppose so she sez. According to SPORTS ILLUSTRATED and ESPN Dartmouth has just been named the prohibitive, unanimous, overwhelming, preseason pick to win the Ivy League Football Title.