Brett Favre - My Fake Diary

Monday, 16 January 2012

Thursday 15th September - Third Thursday in September - Keith Moon

Woke at ten but thanks to my new Stay-Dri Bedsheet System (ker-ching!) I was able to stay dri-ly (ker-ching...ker-ching!) in bed for an hour longer and that gave me an opportunity to look at the Seattle Seahawks playbook that Pete Carroll has unexpectedly sent me. I couldn't find any tractors in it so I went downstairs for a cup cake but there weren't any of those either.

Being Thursday I drove along to Oak Grove High School to toss some balls around for the cameras. Bus insists I keep doing this but interest has dwindled and it depresses me. In previous years all the networks and cable channels would be there clamouring for shots but now I have to pay winos from the park to come along with pretend cameras just so the kids don't laugh at me. I pass and pose, grip it and grin, lob and laugh but inside I'm crying.

Back at home I locked myself in the study to do some work on my autobiography, FAVRE! I came up with the title myself but writing the rest is just so boring and the slightest thing distracts me so I've thrown everything peripheral out of the study; the TVs, the books, the juke box, the pinball machine, the desktop, the desk, the revolving chair. That was particularly distracting. So it's just me, sat on the floor with a notepad, a pen and a lifetime of memories. I manage 22 minutes before I get the pen stuck in my ear again and have to go to ER.

It's after dark when I get back. Deanna has three of her friends round and they're baking cakes for the disadvantaged. Bloody disadvantaged! Why do they get cakes? How can they be disadvantaged, at least in regard to cakes, if they get given cakes? I want a cake! They chase me out to the barn so I turn the floodlights on and arrange the bales in an offense-defense formation and I wing a few balls towards a bale I've draped in an 85 Packer jersey. I drill it so hard I eventually knock it over. Still got it I think to myself and then suddenly, from nowhere, I'm wailing so loudly that the women come out and hug me till I stop, then give me a cake. Ha, who's disadvantaged now!


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