Written by TM_Dealer
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Tuesday, 23 June 2015

A recent "virulent" rant by Cenk Uygur has gone "viral" on Youtube...

Oh, crap. Mere semantics again, isn't it?

Anyways, have a look at this transcript. Responses on a snail-card please.

Well, yeah, why not? After all highly eloquent and intellectually satisfying responses from Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin have already appeared...

So don't be last in the race to the bottom.

Still, whatever you do, don't laugh. This shit is serious.

Hey everybody, Ana's not here today. Never mind. I mean, she's pretty enough, all things considered...

But we're broadcasting online now anyway, so we don't really give a crap if a few thousand less of you tune in. Nope! No skin off my nose. Go on, bite me!

No, no, I'm not being sexist. I'm a Democrat. Sexism is not something Democrats do. Sexism is being unilaterally perpetrated by all those bigoted right-wing, anti-choice, anti-abortion homophobes.

You know, GOP, Libertarian Party, Libertarian non-parties, UK Labour Party, China, North Korea...

Oh, and by the way, check this: I'm gonna be serious.

Yeah, I mean, not that I wasn't just being serious about stupid individualist free market fools who rely on inflammatory rhetoric to insult others, instead of engaging with them rationally. FLAMING IDIOTS!

...Well, here it is. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

Yes, you've guessed it. See, you guys are sharper than some.

Yes, that's right. Our children are being cruelly and sneakily and even unjustifiably massacred by unaccountable, soulless, demonic, abstract forces.

WOOOOO!

Kinda spooky, huh?

"How so, my good friend Cenk," I hear you say?

Well, have a guess.

Nope.

Yup! That's right, you're wrong.

Nope! No, keep your superstitious Pentecostal nonsense out of it.

Well, yeah... no, no Pentecostalism, alright?

I mean, Jesus was a 1st century pro-choice, pro-human rights, pro-gravity, pro-evolution, pro-Copernican, mainstream mathematics, environmentally-friendly, pro-health care, pro-humanitarian-interventionist, pro-polyamory, anti-corporate, gay marriage advocate who would have definitely voted Democrat if he'd only been allowed the chance.

...

But, well hey, as for the massacres; never mind all that stupid droning nonsense. I'm telling you now, Democrats do that too, so it's a big deal, in the grand scheme of things.

OK, but listen to me now... seriously. Let me tell you something.

BURGERS.

That's right!

Yes... these burgers: I mean, you don't have to be a circle-jerking partisan of the Universal Global Soviet of Radically-Sinister Green Liberation to know that the empty, soulless, independent business corporations...

That have unilaterally taken over, co-opted and monopolised our previously perfectly public-spirited and benevolent food industry...

Well, I'm not gonna tell you what to think. Just look at this. Check this.

Well... Yeah. That right. YEAH! YOU SEE THAT PIC?

Oh. Oh. OHHH! Well EXCUSE me for being just THAT LITTLE BIT ANGRY ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO INNOCENT AMERICAN CITIZENS.

Yeah. Yeah...

You see that pic?

Well, you didn't expect to see that did you?

Yes, that's what a dead cow looks like.

Hah! Hm... Who'd've thought...

Well, hey... gonna hold my hands up here. Now, don't get me wrong...

Yeah, I like a bit of beef, chicken, turkey, avocado, coconut water, organic, free-range Ibuprofen (only when I have a headache, of course! Well like right now, cause I'm so FLAMING ANGRY!...)

Well yeah, so hell, I'm as much of a foodie-fun-fanatic as anyone else. Now I don't want you guys to think I'm just being really po-faced and:

"Oo, oo ooooo, oh dear, oh dear, ooo, somebody saaave me!!! Ooo, wooooo, that bad, nasty, humorless Cenk Uygur doesn't see the funny side of what McDonalds are doing to our children; I'm gonna run off and tell my big daddy Rush Limbaugh or my other big daddies, George Bush Senior and Ronald Reagan, just because I don't think Cenk Uygur is being nice to my corporation. Oh wahhhh, oh mommy... oh, it's too hard to bear! Boo hoo hoooooo!"

Hah! Sorry... no sympathy!

The plot thickens. Tune in to Cenk Uygur next time; but you won't need a satellite TV that can access prominent US media outlets. Just a computer with access to Youtube...

And a certain notable satire outlet.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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