Showing snippets written by Helen Tarnation.
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North Carolina smoking ban for restaurants, bars under fire
'Fails to ban smoking underwear', say critics.
Suicide blast in Yemen kills 75
Entire graduating class of suicide bombers wiped out during 'final exam'.
New York Mayor Bloomberg Sworn In for Third Term
Broadcasters refuse to air event due to all the foul language involved.
Santa Claus complains: 'I have only three hos. Ho, ho, and ho.'
'But Tiger Woods has 14 hos you know about, and he has 134 others you never heard of.'
Hopeful partyer worries about Green Kool-Aid
'I heard about the Jim Jones cult', he says. 'Talk about dead drunks. Should I?'
Desperate plea for advice: 'Should I snog my boss at the party?'
'If you want a raise, make sure the snog is on camera', says Orpha Finwrey.
Expert: 'Don't let Tiger near the punch bowl.'
Tiger Woods is known for indiscriminate relocations of bodily fluids.
Reeling and puking set to dominate New Year's celebrations
Police and despondent crowds plan on 'mass public comas' to usher in pointless New Year.
Tiger Woods: 'I should have used a full-body condom'
'A condom like that', he says, 'would have ensured that nobody saw me coming.'
Pope contracts mob hit on Iranian Ayatollahs
'Santa Claus is a saint, and central to the Christian tradition', the Pope said. 'The fatwah issued against him by the godless infidels of Iran is unacceptable, and the Sicilians will get them.'
Ayatollahs issue fatwah against Santa
'In late December, he violated our air space repeatedly, with stealth technology obviously supplied by the Zionist Jewish conspiracy in the USA', they say. 'Allah demands his death.'
Obama visits Africa
'I've never seen so many minorities in one place', mused the US president. 'Obviously there's some very effective community organizing around here.'
Citizens of Crete stage riots
Tired of being called 'Cretins' by the rest of the world, they demand the island be re-named.
Expert: David 'taller than we thought'
Biblical archaeologist finds that slayer of Goliath stood at least 5 feet, three inches tall, while Goliath was 'rather stumpy'.
Dog owners urged to have housecats
'Cats make excellent chew toys', says expert.
Vatican exorcises 'holy ghost'
Authorities blame 'improper attire'
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