Showing snippets written by Jack Van Gump.
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Cloverfield Monster destroyed....
....dead animal removal personnel across the country walk off the job.
McCain Calls "Blood Moon"....
...another example of Russian aggression. Demands troop deployment to halt Red Menace.
Six months after Haitian 7.0 quake....
...most Haitians still poor as dirt, haven't had a decent shake since.
Chunk of ice the size of a skyscraper launched from the Moon, hits NASA...
....with a note attached, "Here's your water, chumps!"
The Moon Protests Earth Day...
...claims rest of Solar System discriminated against.
Obama Accuses McCain of negative campaign ads…
…featuring Muppets singing "Oh-Ba-Ma-Na…noo nooo noo noo noo".
Stock Market Disappears Down Blackhole
...reemerges in an evil parallel universe ruled by bonds.
U.S. stock market falls, can't get up.
McCain suggests market be "humanely put down".
Investors Move Money From Stock Market to Commodities
Resulting mattress shortage drives prices sky-high.
Donald Trump Blows All His Money Betting on the Jets.
Demands government bailout.
U.S. Stock Market Plumments...
...after pictures surface of Sarah Palin clubbing baby seals.
Moon Maidens Protest....
...Obama for saying "The Moon is Full of Holes." Don Imus laughs himself to death.
John McCain has more people living in condos he owns than Sarah Palin had in her entire town when she was mayor.
Obama and McCain are locked in a virtual tie in the area of voter apathy.
New GOP Candidates
Doctors have cloned five new GOP candidates from Bush polyps. Projected to be even bigger asses.
Gasoline Up, Shellfish Down
Thanks to Katrina, consumers feeling the sting of higher gas prices can rejoice in lower shellfish prices thanks to a gumbo of raw sewage and oil.
Bush and Kerry are locked in a virtual tie in the area of voter apathy.
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