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Cerne Laboratory to be employed by the X Factor !
Cerne's Large Hadron Collider is to be used in next week's X Factor to try to locate the alleged talent of twin shites John & Edward.
Deaf Votes rule on X Factor
Spunk Hair-Gel oxygen wasters John & Edward have successfully gobbled off Louis Walsh for another week,outing Miss Frank and surviving like a persistent cancer. Mass Suicides predicted in Da' Hood !
Albanians announce mobile communications breakthrough
Albanian Mobile phone giant FELCH today announced a breakthrough, "we have enough yoghurt pots & string to accommodate every man,woman & sheep texts can also be sent by our Carrier Sparrow service".
X Factor Business as Usual
Despite Louis Walsh's absence, the X factor remained true to form with contractually obligated tears from toxic waste judges, also turds John & Edward became as annoying a hot poker in the sphincter.
British Union of Masturbators in Uproar
The British Union of Masturbators(B.U.M)is in uproar after Kandy Rain were sacked from the X Factor. Trout Bulging of B.U.M said, "We just can't bash one out over John & Edward, bring back the Rain!"
Gateley injuries Boxing related say Spanish Police
Jose Greazer Police Chief for Spanish Gay Matters has announced that Stephen Gateley's death may be boxing related, "We have ze evidence zat Stephen may have been battered in ze Ring!" he announced.
Walsh admits being knob jockey
Pervert Louis Walsh today admitted his hormones had skewed his thinking on the X Factor, I had to keep John and Edward he wheezed, otherwise there wouldn't have been enough cocks in the competition !
X Factor - pernicious bumming allegations will not stop !
Louis Walsh has denied that sexual attraction had any part in his choice to keep sh*ts John and Edward in the X Factor "That's rubbish" he quipped as he pulled gelled blonde pubes from his teeth.
X Factor bummery question mark rocks the show !
C**ts John & Edward off the X factor deny that their hair was caused by an encounter with one of Louis Walsh's Vulcanised Anal Fists, "'tis spunk that holds it up and nothing but" they quipped today.
Evil Bastard Peer in Second Home Scandal
Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has hit back at allegations of expenses fraud "a coffin is a legitimate second dwelling when I'm not hanging upside down in the Westminster Crypt" he hissed earlier today.
Mandelson / Antichrist linked ?
Peter Mandelson has today rebutted claims by his Barber that the numbers 666 found on his scalp are the number of the beast, "It's a reminder of my ATM PIN number" stated the evil fucker today.
Monkey's refute regulation allegation
Monkeys today rebelled against rumours that they could become staff at the struggling FSA,a spokesman for Monkeys at London Zoo said "We wouldn't be seen dead working for that shower of shit!"
George Lucas and Spielberg piss on another cherished franchise !
After the "success" of the Star Wars prequels & Indiana Jones IV, Spielberg and Lucas have announced their plans to revamp the 10 Commandments casting Papa Smurf as God and Captain Birdseye as Moses
Derren Brown and David Blaine to attempt World's greatest Feat !
Blaine and Brown, self-professed greatest illusionists on earth are to attempt their most incredible feat, convincing the world that they aren't useless C**ts !
Athlete & Pop Star's Angry Cock Allegation Rebuttal
South African Runner Castor Semenya and Rock Legend Lady GaGa have fought back against allegations that they are men, stating "It's a Load of Balls"
Libyan Leader Denies Shenaigans and back-door diplomacy
Colonel Gadaffi, Libyan leader said today "We have never agreed to take money from Britain for oil" as he urinated on a big pile of £10 notes and took a shit on a £50.
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