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Tsars virus?
Russian President Vladimir Putin was criticised today for appointed a new drugs tsar. "It's in bad taste, we got rid of the tsars a century ago and now they're bringing them back," said a peasant.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 30 January 2010
Texas News Drought
Those Texan reporters were having a poor day. The best headline they had to work on was "Scandal: Tanned Sandalled Banned Vandals in the Panhandle Manhandle Scammed Candlestick-maker".
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 24 January 2010
Next year's name decided
The International Year Naming Committee has decided that next year, that is the year following 2009, will be called 2010. Other suggested names were 'Kylie', '1975', 'Chardonnay' and 'Sexual assault'.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 30 December 2009
Climate change "a lot of hot air"
The Prime Minister has dismissed climate change protests taking place throughout the UK today, saying "It's a lot of hot air, and an ill wind that blows no good. They might as well do a raindance."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 05 December 2009
Blobby Williams has new biography out
Robbie Williams' new biography, "My Cheesy Wotsit Hell" is out now. It explains why he is such a fat useless tosser, and how this causes him to inflict his painfully egoistic dirges on the rest of us.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 02 December 2009
Dead Boyzone singer inspires "Deadzone" band
Boyzone have been renamed as "Deadzone" to honour their dead member Stephen Gately. When asked if the new name was tasteless, Ronan Keating said, "You should have seen the other choice, DeadFagZone"
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 18 October 2009
Britney's new release
Britney Spears today released a record - that is, the Guinness world record for the largest poo by volume. She praised her dietician for the 37 pound (17 kg) wonder, and promised further releases.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 15 October 2009
Germans think themselves to be German
In a recent survey, 65% of Germans considered themselves "very German", with only 18% saying they were "a bit German". The rest refused to answer the question as it was not worded efficiently enough.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 13 October 2009
Penis usage up in the UK
British men now lead Europe in penis usage, with a utilisation rate of 58%, greater than any other EU country.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 13 October 2009
Swine flu caused by credit crunch
Leading scientific economist, Dr Adolph Inkanswim, has said that swine flu is a direct result of the credit crunch, because "People are putting too much in their piggy banks."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 May 2009
Protest frenzy
A protest is being held to protest about the way in which police handled the G20 protest earlier this week. A counter-protest is also planned to protest about that protest.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 04 April 2009
$1 trillion package announced
Gordon Brown has announced that a trillion dollars will be made available to help the world out of recession. He neglected to mention that he meant a trillion Zimbabwean dollars, worth about 23p.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 02 April 2009
Jim Davidson wins award
The Comedians' Union have award their National Treasure award to Jim Davidson this year. He accepted it graciously, saying he was proud to be a Comedians' Union National Treasure.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 27 March 2009
Anti-capitalist protest group disbands
The anti-capitalist group ACID (Anti-Capitalists In Disguise) have disbanded after a few poorly supported rallies. They said, "We can't find anywhere we can buy food without feeling capitalist."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 20 March 2009
Director calls theatre "bigoted"
A leading Broadway director has bemoaned the lack of tolerance among theatrical people. "There are almost no gays, you won't believe the bigotry they have to deal with. There are hardly any Jews too."
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 20 March 2009
Comic Relief begins
The BBC has launched this year's Comic Relief, and has guaranteed that it will really be a relief from comedy. Anyone finding the evening's entertainment funny is advised to see their doctor.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 13 March 2009
Peter Mandelson in sticky business
Peter Mandelson, the gay British minister for business had green goo tossed in his face today. He said, "It's not the first time I'm had some sticky goo in my face, but the green colour scared me!"
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 06 March 2009
Michael Jackson to make comeback
Michael Jackson is to make a comeback. Children and parents everywhere are worried.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 03 March 2009
Ministry of Death reports success
The Ministry of Death, responsible for counting deaths, has exceeded government targets. In 2008, deaths increased by 8%, against a target of 3%. Employees are to be rewarded for their hard work.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 02 March 2009
Plane crashes into giant cock
An aeroplane has crashed soon after takeoff, into a giant 50 metre weathercock placed upon a church directly in its flight path. The vicar is being sued for having such a huge cock.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 March 2009
Chinese probe crashes into moon
In what has been described as a "total f*** up", a Chinese space probe has crashed into the moon. It was carrying an egg foo yuk and spicy noodles intended to be delivered to a Mr Smith of Cheam.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 March 2009
Man hears of tragedy
A man from North Wales today revealed his shock on hearing that ex-reality TV star Jade Goody is terminally ill with cancer. "I thought the newspapers would have mentioned something," he said.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 23 February 2009
Spongebob Millionaire sweeps Oscars
"Spongebob Millionaire", the sequel to "Spongebob Squarepants the Movie" has won 8 Oscars, including best actor for Spongebob Squarepants. The film follows Spongebob as he wins money on a game show.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 23 February 2009
March off
The march on Climate Change planned for London this weekend has been cancelled due to forecast bad weather.
written by MonkeyInTheBath, 21 February 2009
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