London - (Drainspotting): Pardoned Equatorial Guinea coup plotter Simon Mann has vowed to wipe the smile off convicted fellow conspirator Sir Mark Thatcher's ugly mug.

Mann said today that Thatcher was a Guy Fawkes figure who'd previously plotted to blow up landmark buildings like Oxford Circus Gents' Lav.

He also blamed Mrs Thatcher's son by Pope Joe Ratzinger, the BNP leader Nick Griffin, Lebanese businesman Eli Calil and 'half a dozen other IRA bastards' masquarading as the Great & the Good.

Special Branch police officers received the news with glee, having fought four consecutive UK Prime Monsters for the right to bust Thatcher and his sordid chums.

A spokesman for Baroness Thatcher said today the old girl is completely ga-ga and couldn't take a piss unaided let alone testify in a court of law.

Her daughter Cherry Bush QC is a comnpletely different kettle of fish, of course.

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