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queen mudder
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queen mudder

Location: london and nyc
Registered: 26 May 04

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 18:49
WTF? Heinz Ketchup+balsamic vinegar??

Total bollox.

Always said it.

Fruit sauce for morons. Now with acid flavors attached.

Poor deluded Theresa Heinz Kerry.

Bet her liver's pickled solid like a Latvian gherkin....


Sauce of all evil

Gravity is a myth, the earth sux?
victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

Location: Suwanee River
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Posted: 6 Mar 11 18:59
Probably not any good with a bologna sandwich.

"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

Location: Out on a limb
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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:17
Cheers for that QM.

Can't see it taking off though.

I think the only time I ever use ketchup meself is on a hotdog. With American mustard. Only ever use that on hotdogs.

And I rarely have hotdogs.

I like HP sauce on an egg sandwich, or a dash with a full English breakfast.

Not really all that keen on any of them.

Just musin'

Skoob.

RIP
Colonel Juan
This user is offline El quien ose, sátirisa
Colonel Juan

Location: C/O Juanita Juan
Registered: 24 Aug 09

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:34

Can't stand ketchup.. but love balsamic.. of an evening... when in healthy mode. Mozarella, avocado, good olive oil and balsamic .. tasty

The egg sandwich is on a far higher level. Along with smoked streaky bacon. Great sausages. Black pudding. Maybe a big mushroom in garlic. Or even fried bread...HP sauce or/and Fruit sauce. Freshly baked white bread..

Wow.. Anyone feel a gloriously tasty stroke coming on..



RIP
birbee
This user is offline Yorkshire Kid
birbee

Location: gone....................
Registered: 17 Jan 09

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:37
Did you know, the best tomato ketchup is made in a slow cooker?

Heinz own 57 of the biggest (possibly) slow cookers in the world, each one big enough to cook several Hippos at a time.............

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him........
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:43
When it comes to sauces, birbee's yer man.

1.6 million on the Scoville scale.

Trust me - I'm Italian.

Skoob

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Lady Godiva
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Location: Canada and The Spoof
Registered: 22 Feb 10

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:54
Whatever happened to the Purple Heinz Ketchup? I do miss it so!

LG

birbee
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birbee

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:55
Sixteen million, Skoobie, got yer dots in the wrong places there.

Aint got em yet, should be here next week (they tell me). Hottest I've got at the mo is 800,000 scovilles.

Gotta get some of them there Infinity ones.

I thought I was gonna witness a chilli death last week!

See my blog, Wednesday it was.............

Near Death by Chilli......

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him........
Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 6 Mar 11 19:58
Clocked that birb.

Brilliant!

Got your laptop yet?

If not...

Regards

Skoob

RIP
Charpa93
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Charpa93

Registered: 17 Jul 09

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Posted: 7 Mar 11 17:51
Here's a very funny bit I would assume was written by a Texan. it's long, but it will get a few chuckles out of you...

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, (Judge #3) who was visiting Texas from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autoplsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Skoob1999
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Skoob1999

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Posted: 7 Mar 11 18:13
Charpa

Hope birbee reads this. He's our UK Chilli expert.

He'll love this!

Regards

Skoob.

RIP
Abel Rodriguez
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Abel Rodriguez

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Posted: 7 Mar 11 18:26 - Edited By: Abel Rodriguez, 7 Mar 11 18:27
Charpa,

Wow! I don't know who wrote that but it is one of the funniest pieces I have read in a long, long time.

And being from Texas where we do have all kinds of such 'Eating Contests' I can really appreciate it even more.

I declare I was laughing throughout the whole story...and the snow cone part got me laughing so much I started coughing and nearly fell out of my chair. Goodness!

Now I swear what I am going to mention here is the absolute truth it is not made up although it sounds like it could be but I actually heard it and saw it with my own ears and eyes many years ago.

Down in Laredo, Texas, every year during the George Washington's Birthday Celebration, which is the biggest one of its kind in the entire USA, they have a "Jalapeno Eating Contest."

And a lot of the local "Macho Men" step up and show everyone exactly how tough of an "Hombre" they actually are by eating dozens and dozens of the hot peppers.

Just about all of the contestants are Hispanic. But one particular year there was a rather demure Anglo gentleman who entered the contest. I believe he was from way up North (Dallas).

But this little fella came in and he (excuse) my language kicked everyone's ass.

Everyone was shocked. And upset that they had all been defeated by a "Foreigner."

When one of the local television stations interviewed him they asked him how he did it. He smiled and simply replied, "Practice."

When asked to explain he revealed that he had been attending "Jalapeno Eating Contests" all up and down the Texas border for several years all the way from El Paso down to Brownsville.

And he said that he just kept getting better and better. When he was asked if he had any side effects, he grinned and replied, "Well one thing I can say is that I ain't got no more of them hemmyroids!"

The little fella did not have to pay for another thing during the rest of his visit.

Charpa93
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Charpa93

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Posted: 7 Mar 11 18:35
I agree. I had to look it up as I read it for the first time probably a dozen or more years ago. There are only a few funny stories that stick with me and this one is at the top of my list.



pinxit
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Posted: 7 Mar 11 18:51
A ripper, Charpa!

Particularly as I read it while tucking into a cheese, raw onion and heavily finger-chillied ciabatta.

Can't beat the ol' 'Ring of Fire' stories for bringing tears to the eyes...

=]

Inhopeless
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Inhopeless

Location: Birmingham Urbem, Eng.
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Posted: 7 Mar 11 18:53
Pah. My mother makes me food with trucks of chilli powder and herbs. I had some soup while trying to give our guest as many glasses of water as we could because he could spontanously combust at any moment due to the amount of chilli in his soup.

"Sometimes the best intentions end up intense without means to quell it.
We've poisoned our blood streams and blackened our lungs. We've enabled the edifice that it's how we belong.
We may suffer together, but we all die alone.
We may suffer together, but we all die alone.
We may suffer together, but we all die alone.
We may suffer together, but we all die alone."

Boys Night Out - "Hey, Thanks!"
queen mudder
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queen mudder

Location: london and nyc
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Posted: 7 Mar 11 19:32

Quote: Abel Rodriguez



If only J-Man knew...

Gravity is a myth, the earth sux?
birbee
This user is offline Yorkshire Kid
birbee

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Posted: 7 Mar 11 20:58
Ha ha ha, very good, and so so true.

I'm not sure about a cure for piles, but it sure keeps you regular.

I've just had my daily dose, fishcakes with chilli and mango relish, mashed potato and beans with a dash of Iguana en Fuego.............

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts,
And I looked and behold: a pale horse.
And his name, that sat on him, was Death.
And Hell followed with him........

 
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