Discussion Forum

The following are reminiscences from the life of Jesus Budda.
The time period covers every year since the dawn of time right up to the present day (except today which is my day off).
Each historical entry is factually sound but presented from the viewpoint of the author.

Each submission is provided in diary format but the entries do not follow chronological order (or anything logical, for that matter).

Fans of sex will be pleased to note that there will be references to cats.
Fans of cats will be pleased to note that there will be references to sex, drugs and rockabilly.


I felt obliged to piece together my humble memories after the sad demise of other writers on this site in recent times. Many of those have left no trace of their life and stories - but mainly just there stories.
These writers - who contributed so greatly to the site - have left no trace of their existence (even if they had become more extreme and fucking stupid as time went on).


How sad.


But this is my legacy.

A legacy for the world to read in generations to come.

Robots will read these memoirs and think: "oh, how I wish I was a human and could fuck a cat".




Nuggets of information for all.



- Jesus Budda

Oct 11th


Today - Woke up and put on my clothes. Made a change from wearing somebody else's.


1869 - Thomas Edison filed for a patent on his first invention. The electric machine was used for counting votes for the U.S. Congress, however the Congress did not buy it.
The bastards.


1899 - The Boer War began in South Africa between the British and the Boers of the Transvaal and Orange Free State.
Despite its name it actually was a pretty exciting war.
I took pictures using an early handheld camera. Pity I forgot to put film into it.

1984 - caught my penis in my zipper. Told no one. Until now.


EDIT: I got confused with the days. They all become a bit of a blur. Its the 11th not the 10th.

On a side note:

You spend on average 1/3 of your life asleep.
So, if you are 60 you've been asleep for 20 years.

How about shitting?

Say you spend about 10 mins a day actually excreting effluent from your body (excluding sweat), then you spend how long shitting if you were 60 years old ?(I'm using this age as an example)

I'm crap at this.
Is it 290,000 minutes?
Whats that in days/years?

Hang on a sec.
Lets say an hour a week for shitting.
Thats = 52 hours a year.
Thats = just over 2 days a year shitting.

After 60 years that'd be 120 days or so - give or take what you eat or where you're traveling.


Thats 120 days on the toilet.
Not reading on the toilet (which is a disgusting habit) but actual crapping.

Mix that with the sleeping and watching the television and life's really a bit shit really.

---

Quote: Jesus Budda

On a side note:

You spend on average 1/3 of your life asleep.
So, if you are 60 you've been asleep for 20 years.

How about shitting?

Say you spend about 10 mins a day actually excreting effluent from your body (excluding sweat), then you spend how long shitting if you were 60 years old ?(I'm using this age as an example)

I'm crap at this.
Is it 290,000 minutes?
Whats that in days/years?

---

Are you including writing this stuff?

How about sex?

I only have sex once a year.

BUT TODAY'S THE DAY!

Yippie kie aye!

Oh dear...

Dear me...

Erm....

Jesus Budda will next claim that he was "born a long time ago, in a galaxy far far way."

As for me, I was born at a very young age.

.....just scanning till we get to the Chamone part, then taking the lap top into the loo and having 'a good 'un!

GO JB! 5*

Morse

Carry on.

This is fascinating information that you've decided to share with us, JB.

And by fascinating, I mean a complete waste of time.

And by information, I mean useless bullshit.

The next time you decide to share your valuable 'nuggets of information' with us, could you just flush 'em instead?

That would be super, thanks.

Wow

Mrs Skoob just read that. She reckons if any guy crossed you, you'd garotte them with a cheesewire and rip their bollocks off with your bare hands.

You don't take prisoners girl.

Regards

Skoob.

She's probably just bitter.

---

Quote: Madame Bitters

This is fascinating information that you've decided to share with us, JB.

And by fascinating, I mean a complete waste of time.

And by information, I mean useless bullshit.

The next time you decide to share your valuable 'nuggets of information' with us, could you just flush 'em instead?

That would be super, thanks.

---

Most memoirs are worse.

Let's not stop an effort to amuse, it's better than walking away.

Where did it all go wrong??

I blame Skoob.

Me too.

Brown says you are behind his vision problems Skoob.

---

Quote: Jesus Budda


I felt obliged to piece together my humble memories after the sad demise of other writers on this site in recent times. Many of those have left no trace of their life and stories - but mainly just there stories.
These writers - who contributed so greatly to the site - have left no trace of their existence (even if they had become more extreme and fucking stupid as time went on).


How sad.




- Jesus Budda

---

That's very deep.

A truly sorrowful lament.
I'm going to think about you for the next five minutes, no one else, just you.



Thinking of you.......... Now.

Fergus.

---

Quote: victor nicholas

Brown says you are behind his vision problems Skoob.

---

Can't see it myself Doc.

---

Quote: Skoob1999

Wow

Mrs Skoob just read that. She reckons if any guy crossed you, you'd garotte them with a cheesewire and rip their bollocks off with your bare hands.

You don't take prisoners girl.

Regards
Skoob.

---

I thought my critisism was both fair and witty. Maybe a tad cruel, but I've said/written far, far worse.

Perhaps I should share a few emails that I've sent to people who've really pissed me off.

Go on then.

I'll rate them for you.

Piss and vinegar, go on then.

I made that offer in the rhetorical sense. Though I've written a few of them, I don't actually have any of my 'poison pen' emails to show at this time.

Sorry about that.

---

Quote: Madame Bitters

I made that offer in the rhetorical sense. Though I've written a few of them, I don't actually have any of my 'poison pen' emails to show at this time.

Sorry about that.

---

MB: They're collector's items....I made a mint on mine from E-bay....

when all you have is crumbs, better make crumb-cake.....

Morphus

Mrs Skoob just read that. She reckons if any guy crossed you, you'd garotte them with a cheesewire and rip their bollocks off with your bare hands.

You don't take prisoners girl.

Regards
Skoob.

---

I thought my critisism was both fair and witty. Maybe a tad cruel, but I've said/written far, far worse.

Perhaps I should share a few emails that I've sent to people who've really pissed me off.

---

MB, I share your views with complete solidarity, in fact I couldn't have writ them better!

JB is an egoistic whinger, searching for attention while cohorting with our fab Monkey Woods on a particular thread which, will remain nameless and very useless.

JB, you can stick your memoirs up your cats butt (with pleasure) and then come back to earth, act like a normal distorted Spoof writer should do and then maybe we can accept you as one of us!

Jesus Budda admits he is egotistical, Mr. non-funny person man.

Who here isn't?

I pride myself (myslef) on my ego.
It is beautiful.
And shiny.

Fergus McCarthy, I agree with you. Well, I agree with what I imagine you might have been thinking with regard to shared thoughts on certain subject matters that we need not go into right here, right now.

It all went wrong about a year ago.
The precise moment I cannot pinpoint.
But, like a snowball hurtling down a hill covered in shit, the problems kept growing and growing until we find ourselves in the sorry state that we are no unfortunately lumbered with.

I am not a poet.

I just wanted to write that. So I did.




Let me continue with my memoirs:

OCT 12th


1997 - I slept in due to faulty alarm clock.

1860 - Inventor Elmer Sperry was born on this day. He held patents on more than 400 inventions. The most important being the Sperry Automatic Pilot.
The problem with his invention was that the airplane had yet be invented so the poor, unfortunate pilot died without ever having his dream of flying in the air with the birdies come true.


1938 - Filming began on "The Wizard of Oz." I spoke at length with the Tim Man. He told me things that would make a sailor blush. Things involving sex with cats and Toto.



1960 - Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded a shoe on his desk during a dispute at a U.N. General Assembly.
That very same shoe was used in the making of TV series GET SMART as the legendary shoe-phone.
Why?
Well, why the fuck not?!


2001 - Bit my lip while eating Pringles. The second such occasion in my life.




My memoirs are important historical documents.
Fuck off if you don't like them.


James Bond will return.