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Forum Home / General Discussion / Jesus Budda - The Memoirs
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Jesus Budda Two sheets to the wind Location: Confused Registered: 26 Aug 07 |
The following are reminiscences from the life of Jesus Budda.
The time period covers every year since the dawn of time right up to the present day (except today which is my day off). Each historical entry is factually sound but presented from the viewpoint of the author. Each submission is provided in diary format but the entries do not follow chronological order (or anything logical, for that matter). Fans of sex will be pleased to note that there will be references to cats. Fans of cats will be pleased to note that there will be references to sex, drugs and rockabilly. I felt obliged to piece together my humble memories after the sad demise of other writers on this site in recent times. Many of those have left no trace of their life and stories - but mainly just there stories. These writers - who contributed so greatly to the site - have left no trace of their existence (even if they had become more extreme and fucking stupid as time went on). How sad. But this is my legacy. A legacy for the world to read in generations to come. Robots will read these memoirs and think: "oh, how I wish I was a human and could fuck a cat". Nuggets of information for all. - Jesus Budda |
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| A: Clean his sandals. Todays question: What's going on? (Answer tomorrow) | |||
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Jesus Budda Two sheets to the wind Location: Confused Registered: 26 Aug 07 |
Oct 11th
Today - Woke up and put on my clothes. Made a change from wearing somebody else's. 1869 - Thomas Edison filed for a patent on his first invention. The electric machine was used for counting votes for the U.S. Congress, however the Congress did not buy it. The bastards. 1899 - The Boer War began in South Africa between the British and the Boers of the Transvaal and Orange Free State. Despite its name it actually was a pretty exciting war. I took pictures using an early handheld camera. Pity I forgot to put film into it. 1984 - caught my penis in my zipper. Told no one. Until now. EDIT: I got confused with the days. They all become a bit of a blur. Its the 11th not the 10th. |
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| A: Clean his sandals. Todays question: What's going on? (Answer tomorrow) | |||
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Jesus Budda Two sheets to the wind Location: Confused Registered: 26 Aug 07 |
On a side note:
You spend on average 1/3 of your life asleep. So, if you are 60 you've been asleep for 20 years. How about shitting? Say you spend about 10 mins a day actually excreting effluent from your body (excluding sweat), then you spend how long shitting if you were 60 years old ?(I'm using this age as an example) I'm crap at this. Is it 290,000 minutes? Whats that in days/years? |
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| A: Clean his sandals. Todays question: What's going on? (Answer tomorrow) | |||
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Jesus Budda Two sheets to the wind Location: Confused Registered: 26 Aug 07 |
Hang on a sec.
Lets say an hour a week for shitting. Thats = 52 hours a year. Thats = just over 2 days a year shitting. After 60 years that'd be 120 days or so - give or take what you eat or where you're traveling. Thats 120 days on the toilet. Not reading on the toilet (which is a disgusting habit) but actual crapping. Mix that with the sleeping and watching the television and life's really a bit shit really. |
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| A: Clean his sandals. Todays question: What's going on? (Answer tomorrow) | |||
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victor nicholas Vottznewpuzzykatt? Location: Swanee River Registered: 20 Apr 08 |
Are you including writing this stuff? ![]() |
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| "Vottzgnupuzzykatt?" | |||
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Skoob1999 Off-the-rails Location: Out on a limb Registered: 5 Sep 08 |
How about sex?
I only have sex once a year. BUT TODAY'S THE DAY! Yippie kie aye! Oh dear... Dear me... Erm.... |
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| People who claim to be humanitarian are usually complete and utter bastards | |||
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Jalapenoman Spicy Hombre Location: Las Cruces, NM Registered: 1 Jun 05 |
Jesus Budda will next claim that he was "born a long time ago, in a galaxy far far way."
As for me, I was born at a very young age. |
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| Being raised by an Italian mother on the Mexican border made me realize that entrees are not edible without jalapenos, onions, green chilis, or garlic. Hence, I am the J-man. | |||
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Morse -- --- .-. ... . Location: South Carolina, usa Registered: 20 Jul 08 |
.....just scanning till we get to the Chamone part, then taking the lap top into the loo and having 'a good 'un! GO JB! 5* Morse |
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| Whether you're rich or you're poor, it always pays to have money! | |||
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victor nicholas Vottznewpuzzykatt? Location: Swanee River Registered: 20 Apr 08 |
Carry on.
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| "Vottzgnupuzzykatt?" | |||
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Madame Bitters Sweeter than sugar Location: Taking a load off... Registered: 20 Nov 08 |
This is fascinating information that you've decided to share with us, JB.
And by fascinating, I mean a complete waste of time. And by information, I mean useless bullshit. The next time you decide to share your valuable 'nuggets of information' with us, could you just flush 'em instead? That would be super, thanks. |
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| Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...not when there are so many other reasons! | |||
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Skoob1999 Off-the-rails Location: Out on a limb Registered: 5 Sep 08 |
Wow
Mrs Skoob just read that. She reckons if any guy crossed you, you'd garotte them with a cheesewire and rip their bollocks off with your bare hands. You don't take prisoners girl. Regards Skoob. |
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| People who claim to be humanitarian are usually complete and utter bastards | |||
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Fergus McCarthy Devil's Avocado Location: Hibernia. Registered: 17 Jan 07 |
She's probably just bitter.
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victor nicholas Vottznewpuzzykatt? Location: Swanee River Registered: 20 Apr 08 |
Most memoirs are worse. Let's not stop an effort to amuse, it's better than walking away. |
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| "Vottzgnupuzzykatt?" | |||
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Fergus McCarthy Devil's Avocado Location: Hibernia. Registered: 17 Jan 07 |
Where did it all go wrong??
I blame Skoob. |
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Skoob1999 Off-the-rails Location: Out on a limb Registered: 5 Sep 08 |
Me too.
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| People who claim to be humanitarian are usually complete and utter bastards | |||
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victor nicholas Vottznewpuzzykatt? Location: Swanee River Registered: 20 Apr 08 |
Brown says you are behind his vision problems Skoob.
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| "Vottzgnupuzzykatt?" | |||
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Fergus McCarthy Devil's Avocado Location: Hibernia. Registered: 17 Jan 07 |
That's very deep. A truly sorrowful lament. I'm going to think about you for the next five minutes, no one else, just you. Thinking of you.......... Now. Fergus. |
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Skoob1999 Off-the-rails Location: Out on a limb Registered: 5 Sep 08 |
Can't see it myself Doc. |
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| People who claim to be humanitarian are usually complete and utter bastards | |||
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Madame Bitters Sweeter than sugar Location: Taking a load off... Registered: 20 Nov 08 |
I thought my critisism was both fair and witty. Maybe a tad cruel, but I've said/written far, far worse. Perhaps I should share a few emails that I've sent to people who've really pissed me off. |
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| Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...not when there are so many other reasons! | |||
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Fergus McCarthy Devil's Avocado Location: Hibernia. Registered: 17 Jan 07 |
Go on then.
I'll rate them for you. |
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victor nicholas Vottznewpuzzykatt? Location: Swanee River Registered: 20 Apr 08 |
Piss and vinegar, go on then.
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| "Vottzgnupuzzykatt?" | |||
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Madame Bitters Sweeter than sugar Location: Taking a load off... Registered: 20 Nov 08 |
I made that offer in the rhetorical sense. Though I've written a few of them, I don't actually have any of my 'poison pen' emails to show at this time.
Sorry about that. |
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| Don't hate me because I'm beautiful...not when there are so many other reasons! | |||
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Morse -- --- .-. ... . Location: South Carolina, usa Registered: 20 Jul 08 |
MB: They're collector's items....I made a mint on mine from E-bay.... when all you have is crumbs, better make crumb-cake..... Morphus |
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| Whether you're rich or you're poor, it always pays to have money! | |||
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Jaggedone Warning: Sharp edges Location: Between the ears Registered: 8 Apr 09 |
Mrs Skoob just read that. She reckons if any guy crossed you, you'd garotte them with a cheesewire and rip their bollocks off with your bare hands.
You don't take prisoners girl. Regards Skoob. I thought my critisism was both fair and witty. Maybe a tad cruel, but I've said/written far, far worse. Perhaps I should share a few emails that I've sent to people who've really pissed me off. MB, I share your views with complete solidarity, in fact I couldn't have writ them better! JB is an egoistic whinger, searching for attention while cohorting with our fab Monkey Woods on a particular thread which, will remain nameless and very useless. JB, you can stick your memoirs up your cats butt (with pleasure) and then come back to earth, act like a normal distorted Spoof writer should do and then maybe we can accept you as one of us! |
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| Mon Dieu, qui, qui | |||
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Jesus Budda Two sheets to the wind Location: Confused Registered: 26 Aug 07 |
Jesus Budda admits he is egotistical, Mr. non-funny person man.
Who here isn't? I pride myself (myslef) on my ego. It is beautiful. And shiny. Fergus McCarthy, I agree with you. Well, I agree with what I imagine you might have been thinking with regard to shared thoughts on certain subject matters that we need not go into right here, right now. It all went wrong about a year ago. The precise moment I cannot pinpoint. But, like a snowball hurtling down a hill covered in shit, the problems kept growing and growing until we find ourselves in the sorry state that we are no unfortunately lumbered with. I am not a poet. I just wanted to write that. So I did. Let me continue with my memoirs: OCT 12th 1997 - I slept in due to faulty alarm clock. 1860 - Inventor Elmer Sperry was born on this day. He held patents on more than 400 inventions. The most important being the Sperry Automatic Pilot. The problem with his invention was that the airplane had yet be invented so the poor, unfortunate pilot died without ever having his dream of flying in the air with the birdies come true. 1938 - Filming began on "The Wizard of Oz." I spoke at length with the Tim Man. He told me things that would make a sailor blush. Things involving sex with cats and Toto. 1960 - Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev pounded a shoe on his desk during a dispute at a U.N. General Assembly. That very same shoe was used in the making of TV series GET SMART as the legendary shoe-phone. Why? Well, why the fuck not?! 2001 - Bit my lip while eating Pringles. The second such occasion in my life. My memoirs are important historical documents. Fuck off if you don't like them. James Bond will return. |
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| A: Clean his sandals. Todays question: What's going on? (Answer tomorrow) |
| 12 Pages - [1] 2 3 4 5 » »» |
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