Australia to mandate conformity

Written by Hazmatt

Friday, 18 February 2011

image for Australia to mandate conformity
A young Australian celebrates

After years of government advertising showing the risks of excess drinking and smoking, Australians are now being told to live it up, get drunk and get laid. On the morning TV show, prime minister Julia Gillard encouraged Australians both young and old to "..relax, go down to the pub with your mates, get wasted and hook up with a sheila."

When questioned by 7news reporters about whether this was a good idea she replied "All these years of promoting moderation have really damaged our economy. Our pubs and Hotels are doing it tough, tourism has flopped and that has made a major dent in my popularity ratings." She commented that mandating a minimum pub turnout per person per month would boost the ailing alcohol industry and revive traditional Aussie culture.

Teenagers and young adults are applauding the decision as common sense as health groups and health ministers are left fuming.

"I voted for Gillard at the last election. I'll have to say I was pretty disappointed with her policy making up till this point" a jubilant young person commented.

Five health ministers are understood to have handed in their resignations effective immediately. Despite the generally negative response by older people to the news, some have already hit the pubs hard.

Among those first to join in the drunken revelry were Victorian and Queensland farmers.

"My farm is underwater; they say the water won't be gone till the end of the season and all my sheep got sucked up and blown away by cyclone Yasi" One farmer commented.

With nothing left to lose, these farmers are the front line of Gillard's Australian culture revival. Other reforms proposed include the compulsory phrase 'mate' when talking to another person, the Australian fly-waving salute to authoritative figures, and the impressive task of "deflowering" every woman over the age of 18 years.

Gillard remains confident however that these reforms will lead to a big boom in the tourism trade, "For too long we've had a mixture of international cultures within Australia. This had led to the sad decline of traditional Aussie values and traditions such as boozing."

"Please vote for me on twitter and tell me how popular I am" she said.

While many Australians are embracing these initiatives with open arms, whether they lead to real reform on the tourism front remains to be seen.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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