Years after being hit by a bus, Sesame Street's beloved Bert has apparently turned up in Buenos Aires, Argentina -- a classic haunt of former Nazis.
Why is this important? The spotting, which occurred at the end of 1999 and was subsequently suppressed by the Argentinean government in cooperation with the American C.I.A., reveals a pattern of conspiracy which may have let a war criminal walk free.
A recent application under the Freedom of Information Act has uncovered C.I.A. documents that not only prove Bert's emigration "after death" to Argentina, but also prove his ties to the highest echelons of the Nazi Party.
In fact, the file itself includes a now infamous photo of one "Berthold Eichmuppett," who shockingly resembles Bert, of Sesame Street fame, riding with Adolph Hitler to Berlin.
Professor Bunsen Honeydew, a prisoner of the Flossenbürg death camp in Poland, recalled being forced to work with Eichmuppett during the war: "as a political prisoner in the death camp system, I did anything I could to survive. The officers were always looking for talented prisoners for various work details and I was posted to Dr. Eichmuppett's laboratory."
The work done by Dr. Eichmuppett was experimental. Eichmuppett was particularly fond of ice and electricity, and he worked numerous experiments on muppets to understand their capacity to withstand extremes of temperature and voltage.
"Meeee meeeee meee meeeeee meeeee," said Dr. Honeydew's assistant, Beaker. "Meeeee meeee meeee meeeee meeee, Meeeee!"
Who could describe the torment better?
"When I found Beaker, he had spent hours under the current," explained Dr. Honeydew. "He was the longest recipient of electricity and the only survivor. Dr. Eichmuppett saw him as his greatest success story."
For years, Berthold Eichmuppett evaded capture. Rooming with the unsuspecting Yankee muppet, Ernie, and his squeaky rubber ducky. But the charade came to an end on Christmas Eve 1995 when Dr. Honeydew and Beaker bumped into 'Bert' at a muppet Christmas party held by the Hensons.
"I knew something was wrong with Beaker," said Honeydew. "He wasn't himself, and I could barely understand a word. I hadn't seen him like that since Flossenbürg. And then, across the table, over the vegetables and dip, I saw him -- Eichmuppett. He hadn't even tried to change his appearance. He'd just affected an American accent and taken on a love of pigeons -- like that could hide his identity from those of us who knew."
Shortly after, Bert was struck by the fateful bus that removed him forever from the Sesame Street ouevre and children throughout the United States and Canada mourned the loss of Ernie's best friend and confidante.
But Professor Bunsen Honeydew never forgot.
Shortly after Bert's supposed death, Honeydew and Beaker began "MANWiCh" -- Muppets Against Nazi War Criminals. Their efforts were fruitless until a surprise communique from Argentina revealed that Berthold Eichmuppett still lived.
"Meeee meee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" explained Beaker. "Me me me me meeee meeeeee."
The current whereabouts of Dr. Berthold Eichmuppett are shrouded in mystery, but Dr. Bunsen Honeydew will not rest until justice is done.
"Years of kindness to children cannot undo Eichmuppett's crimes," declared Honeydew. "Just look at Beaker's hair. He'll have to live with that for the rest of his days."
The C.I.A. has promised MANWiCh that it will continue its muppet hunt for Bert, but they don't promise any likelihood of success.
