Millions of Locusts Headed for Darfur

Funny story written by Liam_1959

Friday, 13 August 2004

image for Millions of Locusts Headed for Darfur
Locust Attack and Devour S.C. Pine Forest

By Liam Logsdon, Sailing on the Red Sea

Darfur (Dislocated Press) -An exercise designed by the US military to stem the violence in Darfur, has millions of locusts organized and in flight, on their way to Sudan.

Pest control experts said on Wednesday, "this will be the most violent attack created by humans, and will result in a disaster of biblical proportions".

"When locust swarms do hit, what little security is in place will be devastated by our control operation", Lt. General Mark Toledo said.

"Our swarms should arrive in Sudan any day now, but of course that's classified", said SMSgt. Cleveland Potts, senior officer in charge of the locust group at the Anwar Sadat Air Base in Egypt.

"The military is working with Sudanese rebels to overthrow the Arab militia, and had been in contact with the authorities in Sudan". "Our coordinators in Cairo are working with the countries around the Red Sea to get as prepared as possible for an invasion from the west," he said.

SMSgt. Potts said, "He had no information to suggest locusts had already swept into Sudan, but a pest control expert in the region said they may have already hit their targets".

The study of locust and their value to war began with experiments in the early 1990's. At top secret laboratories in Southern Carolina, researchers experimented with implanting nanotechnology into locust. Dr. Karl Mannheim stated, "We used small pumps to drive their cellular activity, creating super locust, if you will". "Our big breakthrough came after we had implanted tiny nano-chips in their brains and learned we could control their flight". "After that experiment, we applied for a military grant".

"At present, we have indications that swarms of locust are devastating neighboring Chad, and may be slightly off course", SMSgt. Potts said. "We may have also affected Sudan's western region of Darfur, but we'll have to wait for the next satellite pass for recon photos".

"Since Darfur is now considered as a war zone, we will not mount an air operation to control the plague because we cannot fly our planes into Darfur". "Our aircraft are not insured to fly into a war zones, not enacted by Congress", he said.

The major locust swarms are designed to devastate areas of crops, vegetation, pastures, and stall out enemy aircraft. "Basically, they are attracted to anything green", SMSgt. Potts replied.

"The area affected in Chad is close to the border with Darfur, and that's where Arab militias have clashed with rebels and attacked villagers". "The violence that has occurred there is horrid and has displaced more than one million people", said Lt. General Mark Toledo. "We had to do something to help the children", he added.

‘We have programmed the locust swarms to infiltrate about 50 million insects per square kilometer and can travel up to 150 km a day". "They can devastate entire airfields since no aircraft can operate in those types of conditions". "They are designed to leave gold mines and oil fields untouched though", Lt. General Mark Toledo said to no one in particular.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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