US-Russia relations transformed, says Clinton on Moscow visit. Secretary of State speaks of 'mutual respect' as reports say US will drop human rights criticism.
"We need Russia on our side vis-à-vis Iran," said Clinton, "the best way to get Russia on our side is to do whatever they ask."
"So we are going to let the Russians have immediate and unfettered access to Area 51," said Clinton, adding, "what can we lose other than our shirt and the odd alien that gave us stealth technology?"
"Also, the Russians have promised to let us put a doomsday code into the operating software of their latest S300 and S400 missile systems."
"The inserted code reprograms the Russian missiles to miss incoming Israeli F16 fighters and instead target a certain building in midtown Manhattan from which, purely by chance, Glenn Beck broadcasts from," said Clinton curtly, "Well, we had to give them (the Russians) a set of coordinates otherwise those S300 babies could end up tracking Bin Laden and we don't want that to happen."
Clinton added, "Look, we had to help out the Russians who were pretty miffed when their Arctic Sea cargo ship that disappeared for almost a month earlier this summer was carrying S-33 weapons to Iran and was being tracked by Mossad, the Israeli security service."
"The Russians lost a lot of face with that fiasco and we felt sorry for them," Clinton said, "Look, this all springs from the new Obama directive where we are all supposed to get a chill up our legs being friendly with former enemies - just so that we look different from Bush."