Written by Rodd Justice

Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Terror Union: "Credit where credit's due!"
Union: "We'll get the blame for this, no doubt"

Unions are complaining about an identity crisis for terrorism, where entire peoples are called terrorists, and the blame for anything bad that the government doesn't feel like taking the rap for is shifted the terrorists way. "It's simply unfair misrepresentation! We want to be hated for stuff we actually have done!" said a Terror Union official.

The latest trend in branding entire peoples as terrorists has claimed yet another victim: a small bug, crawling under the Israeli cabinet's table. Spotted by Prime Minister Arial Sharon, it was promptly dismissed as a terrorist, then squashed using Sharon's girly size 2 boot. There was an immediate retaliatory attack upon the Terrorists (a.k.a. Palestinians). Tanks rolled into Bethlehem, blowing stuff up, driving over stuff, demolishing stuff, and all that jazz. A bakery was attacked by helicopter gunships because it was suspected that "a volatile yeast that had explosive potential was being used, which could be eaten by suicide bombers intent on blowing up Israelis."

President George 'Bush' Dubya immediately made a statement supporting the Israeli action. "Terrorists, whether they be in bug form or Muslim, and their tools, whether they be yeast-fuelled or Allah-fuelled, must be stopped by explosions." But he can't talk! American action in Afghanistan against supposed terrorists has been equally controversial. A crack squad of Nonce Marines is on patrol against the kids of Afghanistan, after it was discovered that there were terrorists around as young as 8 months old. By using the tactics of paedophiles to lure these kids, they can be lured into the barrel of a gun, which then goes "bang" in their face. The kids, expecting to get rocked by Jonathan King, are instead rocked by Uncle Sam.

The Terror Union complains that these incidents, "portray our profession in a bad light. We aren't insects, we don't use yeast, and we certainly aren't childish, so nuuuuuurrrgh!"

The Israeli and American governments are just two of many that target entire groups of people under the banner of anti-terrorism. Britain too does this. In Britain, middle-class people are complaining of being on the receiving end of this genre of mistreatment. They point to the confiscation and destruction of all their New Labour pledge cards last month. An official said this was done because "they could be used as terrorist weapons. You could have somebody's eye out with these unrealistic promises. As much as we'd like evidence of our crazy ideas, they have to be destroyed for terrorism reasons."

The other problem Terror Union officials complain about is that any failures that the government would otherwise be blamed for have instead been wrongly blamed upon terrorists, and frequently since 11th September 9/11th. For example, in recent weeks the British government has wrongly blamed the following problems on terrorist activity:

- rogue ferrets in the Wirral:
- inequality:
- Trade Unionism:
- Peter Mandelson:
- the Northern

Ireland Peace Process:
- and many, many, more?
- more.

In the US, George 'Bush' Dubya blamed his lack of intellect on "years and years of thinking TOO hard, pondering ways and methods of destroying global terror." However, doctors have said that it is more likely his puny mind is the reason.

Terror Union official Peter Sissons (no, not him, this is another Peter Sissons) said, "it's a new form of spin that means bad news doesn't have to be buried underneath the Queen Mother anymore! Just blame it on the terrorists! We're not being identified correctly, and are not receiving the appreciation that our work deserves us!"

A wave of suicide one-day strikes is planned for next month.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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