Somewhere South of the Border/ It's HOT! - Despite the outpouring of love, sympathy, and maudlin wailing on the behalf of besotted liberals, and the Massachusetts electorate in particular, Ted's "homecoming" was not a joyous event according to reports from Crime Writer Dominick Dunne who was on hand to witness the event.
In his first report from beyond the grave, the dogged chronicler of miscreants made good on his earlier promise to pursue Ted to Hell in order to tell the 'real story" behind he Mary Jo Tragedy.
According to dispatches edited by chronicler and medium, Madam Bitters, Kennedy at first appeared confused as he approached a burning moat filled with visions of his alcoholic excesses and genetically induced sexual adventures.
"Wait a minute, point of order," he allegedly cried out, "didn't you get my check...I arranged for a direct deposit to the Vatican in order to keep me out of just this situation!"
According to Dunne, his outburst was met with an ominous silence, the only response being that an erie apparition of a 1977 Plymouth Valiant mysteriously appeared with sea weed, a star fish, a couple of cauhogs, and a dead mackeral clinging to its rusted carcass.
"Ah, shit," Ted whined, "not another fucking clambake at the Yachtsman Hotel..and NOT here!"
But his complaint went unheard.
"No," cried Ted plaintively, "it was an accident...I shouldn't have been texting when I was driving...well, maybe I had a few extra shots of that aged Scotch, but hell, man, did you ever try driving, texting and unhooking a bra while navigating a 7' wide bridge with a 6 foot wide car....at high tide....with the lights off so no one could see what was going on...."
Dunne said the continued silence completely unnerved Ted, as he began frantically looking around seeking help calling mournfully, "Jack....Bobbie...help me!"
He was met with continued silence, but strange images of the Bay of Pigs, Viet Nam, Marylyn Monroe and a deserted Yankee Stadium began to swirl in the mist, accompanied by the mournful voices of Simon & Garfunkel as they sang "Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio".
Eventually, according to Dunne, a team of emergency workers came for Kennedy, strapping him onto a gurney and whisking him away, still blubbering and yelling, "Wait, don't you know who I am....?"
The last report from Dunne stated that finally a voice of authority echoed softy amongst the burning caverns saying, "Don't worry Ted, you're where you belong now, before long you'll learn to love it here...come on in...the water's fine!"