Pension grows as clueless mob storm the Edinburgh lair of former banking vampire.

Funny story written by bonzodog64

Sunday, 29 March 2009

image for Pension grows as clueless mob storm the Edinburgh lair of former banking vampire.
Papas got a brand new Pigbag (of cash)

The furious but inept mob baying for Goodwins blood and brandishing an array of weapons warned of more attacks on UK wankers. The warning preceeded the attack on Sir Fred Goodwins castle of evil by a pitch fork, and torch wielding mob who promptly burned down the wrong house.

Windows were smashed in at Goodwin's house in the Scottish capital Edinburgh and those of a Mercedes-Benz limousine parked outside.

"It was a travesty, said an enraged onlooker, it was obviously the work of idiots, amateurs, or the government as it was so half assed and piecemeal. Fred's evil lair should have been reduced to rubble and burned by an angry, pitchfork-carrying mob, baying for his blood. As it is, a couple of windows got smashed. Not even the "fatcat" flap was damaged allowing corporate crooks to continue to move around unhindered".

Fred" the shred" Goodwin who is set to trouser the best part of seven million pounds immediately following the near destruction of RBS was said to be shocked and dismayed. "I normally sleep suspended from a rafter or in a coffin in the basement... Fortunately, I was well away from the impact of the projectiles, which included a crucifix, silver bullets, a holy water spray and some garlic."

It is not known if anyone else was at home at the time. Goodwin -- dubbed "Fred the Shred" by the media for his ruthless cost-cutting -- and his family have not been living in the house since it was revealed that the 50-year-old Goodwin was receiving an annual pension of $1 million (£700,000) for life.

A neighbour claims "He only comes out at night to drain the blood of the living. The government allows him to get away with it, fearing litigation and the revelation of other financial monsters, or horrors that would be unleashed in a court battle. The only way to stop him is a steak through the heart"!

In addition, A lawyer representing a large group of angry, ecto parasites claims his clients are furious that this monster should be compared to a humble flea, tick, louse, or leech. They intend to sue Goodwin for deformation of character and bringing the species of parasitical organisms into disrepute.

"This blood sucker is in a league of his own", said Sir David Attenbourough, who is acting as a narrator for the parasites court hearing

A statement issued by Professor Van Helsing to media organizations including the Press Association after the attack said: "We are angry that rich vampires, like him, are helping themselves to a huge amount of money and living in luxury, while ordinary people are made unemployed, destitute, homeless and turned into the living dead by the actions of blood thirsty bankers."

"Pony up the dough, or I will sing like a canary," exclaimed Goodwin.

Politicians and commentators have expressed fury about the deal and excessive bonuses being given by bailed-out vampires and werewolves. Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling, head of the Blood Bank, urged Goodwin to give up his nocturnal feasting and give back the blood as he does not have a heart anyway and will not need it.

There was a crack of lightening as Goodwin refused, saying he had already given up a number of contractual rights to victims necks, which had put the squeeze on him.

"If you think I am giving it back, you can pucker up and kiss my toxic assets",claimed a menacing Nosferatu.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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