Chinese Baby Milk Formula has Radioactive Half-Life of 50,000 years

Funny story written by Rusty

Friday, 19 September 2008


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Chinese Baby Milk Formula : the Sign of Quality

For centuries known to the West as the Middle Kingdom or the Jhong-guo (lit' translation Mandarin = Humungous Shithole) and renown for it's highly evolved culture of bureaucratic corruption and barbaric laws, the China of today doesn't seem to have changed one iota.

Now titled the 'People's Republic' and vaunted as a Marxist utopia, it's actual bureaucratic structure is still rife with corruption and hypocrisy, ruled over by a politburo of incontinent senile octogenarians.

In this repressive police state nation, where one can be fined a cornea or both kidneys for parking on double yellow lines, focus centres on the glaring disparity that China's harsh draconic laws are not applied to such a vital industry of producing and marketing the purest forms of baby milk formula as opposed to the counterfeit, toxic products which are currently flooding their streets.

China's burgeoning baby food scandal involving contaminated milk powder and other sub-standard edible products points several accusing sets of fingers directly at the
government's fat cat food and drinks inspectors.

These officials stand accused of accepting inducements and bribes from unscrupulous manufacturers and sanctioning the addition of inedible bulking ingredients to consumer food products for no more that a swift massage and handjob at the local Rub and Tug.

A plate of hot dim sum and a fist full of Renminbi or Sainsbury's Nectar points, plus a gallon of diesel for their personal chauffer-driven hand tractor, will bribe most lowly-paid standards inspectors to approve dogshit or buffalo phlegm as edible food ingredients.

But in an archaic backward country where it's an accepted cultural practice, since time immemorial, to toss unwanted newborn female offspring into the nearest river, or bury them in the neighbour's compost heap, well, what's a couple of buckets of toxic waste mixed in with the baby formula.

Who, in a government mired in Marxist dogma and corruption, might actually notice or even give a flying fuck. Who, in the West, would really give a fuck either, if it wasn't for putting the proverbial boot into Communist China yet again.

At the centre of this current scandal is the Saniloo Group, a commercial cleaning products company, reportedly owned by a senior Politburo member and based just outside the city of Shitabust in the remote mountainous Wankin province.

Rumours abound that Saniloo has been selling milk powder tainted with the toxic chemical plutonium, used in industry to make such things as nuclear bombs. This chemical instils the milk powder with a shiny white appearance and gives babies a healthy glow. (in the dark).

So far, hundreds of children have died and more than 6,000 have been taken ill after drinking tainted powdered milk, with scores experiencing acute kidney failure. Other symptoms include hair loss, massive skin lesions and bleeding from every possible bodily orifice, followed by a severe case of death.

All the children who became seriously ill drank milk formula produced by the Saniloo group, Chinese health minister, Pisspot Pol informed reporters.Minister Pol, a former Nanking firewood vendor, confided to the media in a rare candid aside that his family drank only imported milk products from Switzerland.

But the spreading scandal is no longer limited to a singular Chinese company. In a development that might possibly prompt government officials into getting off their lazy arses at last, inspectors have found melamine and other toxic chemicals in baby milk powder produced by 22 companies - one out of every five suppliers. The bulking chemicals include fluoride, aspartame, rodent excrement, dried slugs, pulverised uranium fuel rods and the ground up bark of asbestos bushes.

Reports of powdered milk formula being bulked out by the cremated remains of Beijing Olympic athletes who failed to achieve even a bronze medal in the recent games are still unsubstantiated.

Toothless Tung, spokesperson for Shanghai-based Toxic Tangs Baby Products, admitted that their powdered milk formula's main constituents were recycled milk cartons and ground up bamboo scaffolding which he claimed were accepted by food standards inspectors as a primary source of dietary roughage.The milk has the same nutritional value as whitewash, with several of the babies who drank it actually dying of starvation.

However, Tung further elaborated that the company did produce a top of the range line of octane-boosted, decaffeinated and unleaded baby formula milk powders, all guaranteed to be made from 100% actual dairy products, which included real full cream milk, curds, whey and generous dollops of fresh cowshit.

One group of assorted Tibetans have been jailed and sentenced to transplant organ removal for selling fake milk powder in the eastern province of Anhui, which turned out to be made from shredded newspaper and white emulsion paint.

These were the first convictions following a scandal that caused a national outcry. At least 47 people, including someone who might be related to a government official, have been arrested in connection with the affair.

Ding Dong Dung, an unemployed ferret wrestler from Guangzhou, was sentenced to the Death of a Thousand Cuts, which is apparently quite painful, for selling sub-standard formula, while a second man was given a six month sentence of 24/7 water torture followed by a lifetime's community service order in Manchuria.

The cases serve to highlight China's non-existent food safety standards and have triggered a stream of reports about other harmful foods, such as fake soy sauce containing 95% wood varnish and vegetables pickled in badger snot.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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